LONDONERS who move to the provinces will never fit in because their souls are tainted by the city’s evil aura.
Researchers at the Institute for Studies found that trying to leave London for a new life in the country was pointless because everywhere ex-Londoners go dogs will bark at them and humans will find them annoying.
Professor Henry Brubaker said: “It is a common misconception that you can make loads of money in London doing something evil like financial services or working in the media, then escape to happiness and chicken-rearing in a leafy place.
“But London follows you.
“Once you have been exposed to its grasping materialism, twisted priorities and shallow obsession with food trends, your inner being changes on a chemical level. Non-Londoners can smell it on you and they will never accept you.
“Also they will find your clothes stupid and pretentious, especially the vintage American chore jacket you bought because you thought it makes you look like one of the proletariat.”
Former stock broker Mary Fisher said: “I moved from Hackney to Wales but everywhere I go children point at my shadow. Apparently its outline is that of a jagged-faced witch monster with hooves.”