Former Londoners permanently tainted

LONDONERS who move to the provinces will never fit in because their souls are tainted by the city’s evil aura.

Researchers at the Institute for Studies found that trying to leave London for a new life in the country was pointless because everywhere ex-Londoners go dogs will bark at them and humans will find them annoying.

Professor Henry Brubaker said: “It is a common misconception that you can make loads of money in London doing something evil like financial services or working in the media, then escape to happiness and chicken-rearing in a leafy place.

“But London follows you.

“Once you have been exposed to its grasping materialism, twisted priorities and shallow obsession with food trends, your inner being changes on a chemical level. Non-Londoners can smell it on you and they will never accept you.

“Also they will find your clothes stupid and pretentious, especially the vintage American chore jacket you bought because you thought it makes you look like one of the proletariat.”

Former stock broker Mary Fisher said: “I moved from Hackney to Wales but everywhere I go children point at my shadow. Apparently its outline is that of a jagged-faced witch monster with hooves.”

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'Legends' must overcome monster or massive army

THE requirements for being deemed a ‘legend’ have been raised from buying colleagues a doughnut to overcoming a seemingly invincible adversary.

Over 98 per cent of workers have been granted legend status by colleagues, mainly for providing snacks and hot drinks.

Professor Henry Brubaker of the Institute for Studies said: “This legend thing is wearing thin, to say the least.

“To qualify as a legendary figure you must either slay a massive dragon that is terrorising an isolated community or overcome the unjust rule of a feudal tyrant.

“Simply remembering that Bridget in bought ledger likes chocolate sprinkles on her mochacino is not good enough.”

However office manager Wayne Hayes said: “You could say Ulysses is a legend because he killed a cyclops and fought some battles, but he never bought the head of his marketing department a cake shaped like a penis, which personally I think is better.”