French textbooks to feature people having affairs

GCSE French textbooks are to be enhanced with stories of extra-marital liaisons.

Following Britain’s fascination with Francois Hollande’s alleged affair, academics believe tales of unfaithfulness could be key to boosting modern languages.

Textbook publisher Tom Logan said: “Traditionally French textbooks like Tricolore have consisted of dull passages about 12-year-old ‘Christophe Lambert’ who likes swimming, tennis, and for some reason visits the town hall on Wednesday afternoons.

“Who gives a shit?

“But what if Christophe’s attractive mum Valerie was mysteriously going on caravan holidays with a plethora of local men including Alain the mayor and Jacques the butcher.

“Then Christophe’s dad finds out, goes mental with a strimmer and you get to learn the ‘vocab’ for ‘I’ll cut the bastards’ nuts off’.

“Now that’s what I call bringing languages to life.”

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We fly in a ‘V’ because it looks brilliant, say birds

BIRDS have revealed they fly in a V-formation because it looks ‘classy’.

Scientists claimed the shape was caused by maximising ‘lift’ from the bird in front, but birds said they just like to pretend they are in the Red Arrows.

Martin Bishop, a goose, said: “We could fly in a circle if we wanted to. Circles are a doddle, but it would look weird. Like a massive, floating hole.

“The V-shape is what we geese call a ‘design classic’. It’s simple and beautiful but it’s also a dynamic statement of intent. It screams ‘progress!’.”

Bishop added: “When you’re flying in ‘the V’ you feel like a goddamn master of the universe. I’ve done it maybe a hundred times and every time I do it I look over at my mate Brian and shout ‘this is totally brilliant, we’re so cool’.”

Bishop’s friend, Brian Stevens, said: “What I don’t understand is why humans shoot at us. Would you shoot at the Red Arrows?

“No, you bloody wouldn’t.”