GCSEs to be replaced by Diploma in Mind-Bending Monotony

BUSINESS leaders have praised a new qualification that prepares students for a lifetime of servile drudgery.

The new Diploma in Mind-Bending Monotony, which will replace the GCSE, prepares young people for the transition from the banal tedium of school to the banal tedium of work.

Modules include Dream Abandonment, Petty Workplace Politics and Dealing With Mug Theft.

CBI chief Sir Roy Hobbs said: “Too many young people enter the workplace without a basic understanding of the soulless hamster-wheel of modern business.

“By crushing their spirits at school, they’re going to be much happier spending all day entering data or stirring vats of chicken sludge.”

Education secretary Michael Gove said: “The qualification is just as applicable to bright children who think they’re going to be a famous author or TV intellectual, which is why we’ve included the module You’re Not Going To Be Will Self, You’re Going To Be An Office Administrator.”

“Lots of kids have told me, ‘Thank you Mr Gove for switching me on to these groovy spreadsheets.’”

Student Nikki Hollis, 14, who is studying for the diploma, said: “I like it. If I get all the boxes stacked neatly my teacher gives me money to go to the pub.

“I’m not even sure if I’m still at school.”

Ministers said the said the diploma was already easing pressure on the job market, partly due to a 36% suicide rate among students.



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Gods of the Shining Fruit begin faith-testing process

THE deities that control the Shining Fruit are testing the devotion of their followers, it has emerged.

They have decreed that the latest shiny-thing-which-must-be-owned shall not be compatible with the many costly and desirable accessories of its former incarnations.

Hence there has been much wailing and gnashing of teeth among those who have devoted their lives to the Path of the Shining Fruit.

Fruitian Tom Logan said: “Keepers of the reflective pomaceous thing, why do you mock us so?

“Have we not been good and loyal subjects, ever ready with credit or debit cards to buy each new shiny thing, even if it is largely identical to the previous one? Then buying a load of other shit to go with it.”

An angry mob has gathered outside the Shining Fruit’s flagship London temple, hurling rocks and laptops at the huge awe-inspiring building.

Blue t-shirted high priestess Emma Bradford emerged to placate them, saying: “It is but a test.

“Those who remain faithful will one day ascend to the floating sky city of Applelopolis, where the benevolent Jobs reigns over shimmering streets in which the internet never buffers.”

However the cloud-dwelling Keepers of the Shining Fruit have yet to explain their motivation to mortals, preferring to remain mysterious.

However Shining Fruit theologist Roy Hobbs said: “It is possible that we have offended the Gods by coveting cheaper, less ergonomic technology.

“And for that we shall be punished with Android.”