God Save The King, and other things it'll take a while to get used to

WITH Charles becoming King, lots of previously unquestioned aspects of British life will change. These five will take some getting used to: 

God Save The King

This line from the national anthem has to change to fit the monarch, but it’s been so long since Britain has had a King that the public will be getting it wrong until 2030. Although given that it’s male heirs for the foreseeable future we’ll get the hang of it eventually around when the country falls into the sea.

Charles on money and stamps

For as long as anyone alive can remember, the Queen has looked back at you as you pay for a packet of fags or post a Christmas card to someone you stopped talking to decades ago. Her absence on these occasions will be unsettling, even though you only pay by contactless and send cards via Moonpig.

The King’s Speech at Christmas

Standing bolt upright and saluting the TV when the Queen’s Speech came on used to be the highlight of your grandparent’s Christmas, after they’d had a good whinge about you watching the Top of the Pops Special. Charles droning on about modern architecture or antibiotic-resistant bacteria won’t be the same, although you’ll be too busy scrolling on your phone to notice.

‘The third’

King Charles sounds weird enough in itself, but royal experts will remind you he is the third one in order to justify their job. It’s a bizarre reminder that the royal family is genetically linked to all those names in history books, and aren’t just rich people who could bring in more money than tourism by digging deep once in a while.

Queen Camilla

Technically she’ll be the Queen Consort, but the word ‘Camilla’ next to the word ‘Queen’ doesn’t sit right. In your mind the Queen – the proper one the country had for decades – is the Queen, not this upstart. Yes, you’ve known this was coming for years, but it’s still weird. Though a Queen consort that likes a fag is representing Britain pretty ably.

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Republicans to keep their f**king heads down

REPUBLICANS have announced plans to keep their f**king heads down for the next couple of weeks until this shitstorm blows itself out.

Britons who believe that the very institute of monarchy itself should be abolished have decided to keep that to themselves for at least a fortnight and possibly longer, depending on how bad this gets.

Helen Archer said: “Yeah, you’d think this would be the ideal time and place, a natural break having occurred and all that, but trust me it very much f**king isn’t.

“Would people get this sentimental about a president in a system where he was the head of state and carried out ceremonial duties while political power rested with the prime minister? Probably not, but don’t even ask right now.

“A hereditary monarchy might well be a ridiculous feudal hangover entrenching an aristocracy and class system. However it’s surprising the people who will react badly to that so hold that thought until ooh, end of September?

“There are people out there on the hunt for people like me. They wish to prove their devotion to a woman they didn’t know by ruining my life. I do not intend to give them the excuse.

“Republicanism? It’s a great idea. It’s the future. But now is not the f**king time.”