Guardian 'Hacking Phones To Get Incredibly Boring Stories'

THE Guardian has been accused of hacking into mobile phones to acquire its seemingly never-ending series of incredibly tedious articles.

Suspicions were raised earlier this year after the paper published its 37,224th utterly dreary front page in a row.

Media experts and rival news organisations now claim the upmarket daily must be using illegal eavesdropping techniques to maintain this level of spectacularly uninteresting journalism.

Media analyst, Julian Cook, said: “Somehow they can take even a really fascinating story and make it suicidally dull. And then do it over and over and over again. You can’t do that with ordinary journalistic methods.

“It now seems clear they’re hacking into the phones of some of the most boring people in Britain and then using that tiresomeness to produce their insipid, monotonous, left-wing bullshit.”

Guardian reader Tom Logan, from Finsbury Park, said: “I did start to wonder after reading Polly Toynbee’s column for what felt like the billionth time.

“Then I realised that she must be eavesdropping on some unbearable fucking mung bean-eating lesbian teaching assistant who just won’t stop going on about the importance of local education authorities and funding for drug addict five-a-side teams.

“I read the News of the World now. It’s full of stuff about screwing and football. And occasionally they get this man to dress up as a sheik and make Sarah Ferguson look like a nutter. I can’t put the fucking thing down.”

He added: “And of course it almost goes without saying that George Monbiot is clearly hacking into the mobile of an eight year-old girl whose just seen FernGully: The Last Rainforest.”


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CNN To Replace Larry King With A Prick

CNN is to replace its veteran talk show host Larry King with some fat faced prick it dragged in off the streets.

The prick, named locally as Piers Morgan, will take over the network’s flagship programme in what experts believe may be some sort of tax dodge.

Tom Logan, media analyst at Madeley-Finnegan, said: “It could be that CNN or its parent company Time Warner need to avoid corporation tax next year and so are taking steps now to make a massive loss. I cannot think of another possible reason for doing this.”

CNN insists the prick has a fine journalistic pedigree and used to work in newspapers until he became editor of the Daily Mirror.

But he was forced to resign in 2004 after the company’s directors finally agreed they should probably have an editor who actually understood things.

The prick then went on to develop a career in meeting famous people and then telling other people that he had met them, resulting in a pair of best-selling books bought by the sort of people who like to watch snuff movies.

In recent years he has been a panel member of both Britain Must be Stopped and its US equivalent Normal Americans, forcing everyone to assume he must have evidence that Simon Cowell murdered someone in his youth.

In April this year he interviewed then prime minister Gordon Brown in a bid to help Labour’s pathetic election campaign not realising that faced with the choice between a Morgan-endorsed candidate and Adolf Eichmann, the British people would be dusting off their swastikas and blaming everything on Woody Allen.

The prick said last night: “Where’s my fucking chai tea latté you irrelevant piece-of-shit? Don’t you know I’m friends with David Hasselhoff and Howard from Take That?

“Gordon Brown’s a really nice guy, you know.”