VERY hot water with a bag floating in it is not a cup of tea, it has emerged.
Researchers from the Institute for Studies found most cafe-bought cups of tea were actually infuriating, pathetic ‘bag water’.
Professor Henry Brubaker said: “Drinks retailers treat coffee drinkers like cherished, fussy children, giving them a zillion pretentious, intricate options involving frothy milk and syrups.
“Tea drinkers, by contrast, get a cup of nuclear-temperature water with a deflated paper testicle floating on it. The product is actually more of a tea-making kit than a fully-fledged drink.
“We are living in a society that operates a hot drinks caste system.
“Also tea bags are wank and anyone who likes them is vulgar.”
Tea fan Stephen Malley said: “I bought a ‘cup of tea’ on a train and it took me twenty minutes to fish out the sopping bag-mulch with a wooden stirrer.
“There’s no fucking milk in it either because the self-service ‘milk jug’ was empty except for a globule of congealed semi-butter.
“Meanwhile the ‘coffee people’ are sipping, laughing, flirting like they own the fucking world.”