Hot water with bag floating in it not a cup of tea

VERY hot water with a bag floating in it is not a cup of tea, it has emerged.

Researchers from the Institute for Studies found most cafe-bought cups of tea were actually infuriating, pathetic ‘bag water’.

Professor Henry Brubaker said: “Drinks retailers treat coffee drinkers like cherished, fussy children, giving them a zillion pretentious, intricate options involving frothy milk and syrups.

“Tea drinkers, by contrast, get a cup of nuclear-temperature water with a deflated paper testicle floating on it. The product is actually more of a tea-making kit than a fully-fledged drink.

“We are living in a society that operates a hot drinks caste system.

“Also tea bags are wank and anyone who likes them is vulgar.”

Tea fan Stephen Malley said: “I bought a ‘cup of tea’ on a train and it took me twenty minutes to fish out the sopping bag-mulch with a wooden stirrer.

“There’s no fucking milk in it either because the self-service ‘milk jug’ was empty except for a globule of congealed semi-butter.

“Meanwhile the ‘coffee people’ are sipping, laughing, flirting like they own the fucking world.”

Putin to keep Snowden as pet

VLADIMIR Putin has agreed to give Edward Snowden asylum if he can parade him around on a lead. 

The Russian president described Snowden as a magnificent specimen of whistleblower, and has offered him a kennel in his menagerie of eagles, tigers and dissidents.

Roy Hobbs, US ambassador to Russia, said: “People who doubt Snowden is scared to return to the US should consider that he feels safer living in the household of Vladimir Putin.

“Beside using Snowden as a symbol of his status and virility, Putin plans to mate him with a wolfhound to create a type of nerd-dog hybrid that uses computers to track wild boar.”