Hot water with bag floating in it not a cup of tea

VERY hot water with a bag floating in it is not a cup of tea, it has emerged.

Researchers from the Institute for Studies found most cafe-bought cups of tea were actually infuriating, pathetic ‘bag water’.

Professor Henry Brubaker said: “Drinks retailers treat coffee drinkers like cherished, fussy children, giving them a zillion pretentious, intricate options involving frothy milk and syrups.

“Tea drinkers, by contrast, get a cup of nuclear-temperature water with a deflated paper testicle floating on it. The product is actually more of a tea-making kit than a fully-fledged drink.

“We are living in a society that operates a hot drinks caste system.

“Also tea bags are wank and anyone who likes them is vulgar.”

Tea fan Stephen Malley said: “I bought a ‘cup of tea’ on a train and it took me twenty minutes to fish out the sopping bag-mulch with a wooden stirrer.

“There’s no fucking milk in it either because the self-service ‘milk jug’ was empty except for a globule of congealed semi-butter.

“Meanwhile the ‘coffee people’ are sipping, laughing, flirting like they own the fucking world.”

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Putin to keep Snowden as pet

VLADIMIR Putin has agreed to give Edward Snowden asylum if he can parade him around on a lead. 

The Russian president described Snowden as a magnificent specimen of whistleblower, and has offered him a kennel in his menagerie of eagles, tigers and dissidents.

Roy Hobbs, US ambassador to Russia, said: “People who doubt Snowden is scared to return to the US should consider that he feels safer living in the household of Vladimir Putin.

“Beside using Snowden as a symbol of his status and virility, Putin plans to mate him with a wolfhound to create a type of nerd-dog hybrid that uses computers to track wild boar.”