WHETHER you’re a hard-working family, lazy and single or deservedly retired, yesterday’s spring statement is f**king you right over. Here’s how it breaks down.
Meaningless cut in fuel duty that doesn’t cover the rise in price since Monday will hit four-car families, one of which is a Range Rover Overfinch, hard.
Rises in energy bills much worse when you’re in a four-bedroom house with garden office. Nobody thinks about the cost of huge windows and high ceilings.
No change to punitive duty on cognac means hard-drinking, stressed-out senior managers will pay hundreds more on booze a year.
The squeezed middle
Families who believe the world revolves around their nice middle-classness will struggle with higher food bills and must continue pretending it’s fun visiting Lidl.
The stealth tax on student loans is unfair on your children Alice and Theodora, who are being punished for daring to aspire to six-figure graduate incomes.
No cut in duty on wine means families who work bloody hard actually will pay hundreds more on booze a year.
Households with vans parked outside who earn a living as electricians, delivery drivers or illegal fly-tippers will suffer from rising fuel costs.
Keeping a 70″ TV on all day, regardless of whether anyone is watching it, means a staggering rise in electricity bills.
No cut in duty on beer means couples who share eight cans to chill out every night will pay hundreds more on booze a year.
Keeping the suspension of the triple lock on state pensions leaves the retired unprotected against inflation, whether shuffling around M&S Food or going for a country drive at 25mph.
No cut in duty on gin and whiskey means hundreds more etcetera.
Unaffected by national insurance changes or corporation tax, but f**king hell, you’ve got more important things to worry about. You’re homeless.
However huge cuts in living standards mean increased competition for begging pitches and tents under flyovers.
No cut in duty on white cider means hundreds more on booze a year.
A promised penny off income tax in two years when living standards are collapsing right now might be the last nail in the coffin of Mr Partygate, if he’s even prime minister by then. Or the idiots might still think he’s a good laugh who’s doing Brexit.