WANT to buy your mum a simple yet thoughtful card? Bad luck. Your options range from pastel monstrosities with flowers to woefully inappropriate humour.
Dull-as-f**k flowers
The zero effort choice of card, these suggest you’ve managed to forget everything about your mum’s personality. Or that she doesn’t have one. The pink and purple bouquets are so bland and inoffensive they’ll probably send her to sleep, but if you want a card that says ‘I remembered I had a mother’, it’s a job well done.
Wine
Want to imply your mother has a drink problem? Get her a card celebrating ‘wine time’ or ‘mummy’s grown-up Ribena’. Even more awkward if she does actually drink slightly too much. These cards have now branched out into other types of alcohol, so you can inform your ‘ginspirational’ mum that drinking is the only thing that makes her fun.
BEST MUM EVER!
These horribly over-the-top cards claim your mum is a GODDESS. A SUPERWOMAN. Literally THE GREATEST PERSON IN YOUR LIFE. It’s too much for normal people who love their mum but wish they would shut the f**k up about Brexit or their new carpets sometimes. Ironically, the main customers are probably morons who constantly argue with their mums, but follow every pleb trend and have tattoos of their kids’ names.
From your favourite child
If your siblings don’t see the humorous intent of the faux-bragging you’ve just sparked simmering resentment that could continue until you die. It’s also a very, very tired joke, like those cards of a prim 1950s housewife saying something rude. You’re basically saying, ‘Thanks, mum, for bringing me up with a stunted sense of humour.’
Vagina jokes
The unwelcome edgy cousin that’s recently crept onto the market. It’s probably best not to thank your mum for painfully pushing you out of her vagina, especially if you’re having a family meal. Ha ha, isn’t it funny that you’re the reason mum has less control of her bladder! Classic.
Cards allegedly from the dog
No. Just no. These are so childishly twee there’s a risk you mum might vomit on the spot. Also she didn’t give birth to the dog, unless she’s a character in a particularly f**ked-up horror movie.
