Nauseatingly soppy or jokes about alcoholism: The six types of Mother's Day card

WANT to buy your mum a simple yet thoughtful card? Bad luck. Your options range from pastel monstrosities with flowers to woefully inappropriate humour.

Dull-as-f**k flowers

The zero effort choice of card, these suggest you’ve managed to forget everything about your mum’s personality. Or that she doesn’t have one. The pink and purple bouquets are so bland and inoffensive they’ll probably send her to sleep, but if you want a card that says ‘I remembered I had a mother’, it’s a job well done.


Want to imply your mother has a drink problem? Get her a card celebrating ‘wine time’ or ‘mummy’s grown-up Ribena’. Even more awkward if she does actually drink slightly too much. These cards have now branched out into other types of alcohol, so you can inform your ‘ginspirational’ mum that drinking is the only thing that makes her fun.


These horribly over-the-top cards claim your mum is a GODDESS. A SUPERWOMAN. Literally THE GREATEST PERSON IN YOUR LIFE. It’s too much for normal people who love their mum but wish they would shut the f**k up about Brexit or their new carpets sometimes. Ironically, the main customers are probably morons who constantly argue with their mums, but follow every pleb trend and have tattoos of their kids’ names.

From your favourite child

If your siblings don’t see the humorous intent of the faux-bragging you’ve just sparked simmering resentment that could continue until you die. It’s also a very, very tired joke, like those cards of a prim 1950s housewife saying something rude. You’re basically saying, ‘Thanks, mum, for bringing me up with a stunted sense of humour.’

Vagina jokes

The unwelcome edgy cousin that’s recently crept onto the market. It’s probably best not to thank your mum for painfully pushing you out of her vagina, especially if you’re having a family meal. Ha ha, isn’t it funny that you’re the reason mum has less control of her bladder! Classic.

Cards allegedly from the dog

No. Just no. These are so childishly twee there’s a risk you mum might vomit on the spot. Also she didn’t give birth to the dog, unless she’s a character in a particularly f**ked-up horror movie.

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So how exactly do tax cuts make the rich work harder? A CEO explains

THE budget supposedly benefits the rich at the expense of the ‘poor’. If you can call them that, they’ve got phones, shoes and running water, haven’t they? Anyway, here I explain why more money motivates wealthy people but not the povs.

We are job creators

Thanks to paying almost no tax, I feel so cheerful I have created jobs for my wife, my mistress, her layabout brother, the pretty girl who works at the bar at my golf club and my old uni wingman Hugo. They’re all useless, obviously, but how many jobs do nurses create? None. We need to sack a few to make the others more entrepreneurial.

We’re biologically different to the poor

If a poor person earns more, their natural reaction is to drink cheap cider and stay in bed till 4pm. It’s not their fault, it’s just how their primitive short-termist brains work. Whereas a high-achiever like me automatically starts thinking of profitable new ventures like charging our staff to use the toilets.

The lower our taxes are, the less we have to use tax avoidance schemes

I have to divert funds to offshore tax havens or the government will just fritter it on schools, diversity workshops and lesbian whales. It’s not the money, it’s the principle. Fortunately, Mr Sunak understands the problems of the super-rich and realises it’s better for wealthy people like me to keep our money in the UK and pay a very low rate of income tax, sometimes as much as £80 a year, which I do uncomplainingly.

Tax cuts incentivise us not to go on strike

If you think Tube workers going on strike is bad, imagine the effect if my management consultancy downed tools. The country would grind to a halt without us doing productive work like charging companies large sums of money to lay off a quarter of their staff. 

Tax cuts make us free to innovate

We are the innovators, the originators. Recent ideas of mine include ‘Verble’, a daily word puzzle game, ‘Sportify’, in which subscribers can watch sporting fixtures from around the world, and ‘ClikClok’, which does whatever TikTok does. Don’t ask me, I’m getting an unpaid intern to find out.

Imagine if Jeremy Corbyn was in charge

I’m not sure why the Labour leader of two years ago is relevant, but imagine. Just imagine. Terrible, isn’t it?