Human Rights Act to be replaced with Warhammer rulebook

THE Government is replacing the Human Rights Act with Warhammer 40,000: The Rules

The 208-page science fiction wargame rulebook is seen as the ideal replacement because it allows every possible type of conflict to be resolved with only a handful of dice.

A government spokesman said: “The legal system is convoluted and impossible for the layman to understand. Using Warhammer 40,000 we can reproduce that perfectly, but on a much smaller scale using beautifully painted miniatures.

“If you are claiming a right to privacy, for example, we roll two twenty-sided dice to determine your score, take away any debuffs – low income, being foreign – and measure it against the government’s own total.

“We make our rolls behind the books so you can’t see, but it’s all perfectly fair.”

The first case, a challenge of the government’s right to detain terror suspects without trial, has already been heard on Kulth the War World and ended in the defeat of the Imperium of Man by Tyranid Biomorphs without the right to appeal.

The spokesman added: “We have been asked why we chose to use the science-fictional Warhammer 40,000 rules rather than the original Warhammer Fantasy setting.

“Simply, we are not barbarians.”

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Steven Gerrard to end Liverpool career by destroying stadium

LIVERPOOL captain Steven Gerrard has promised to end his final game at Anfield by razing the stadium to the ground.

Gerrard said: “Some fans think that ensuring Liverpool wouldn’t be playing in the FA Cup final on my birthday was my last gift to them, but I’ve got one more surprise in store.

“In the final moments of tomorrow’s game against Crystal Palace – which we’ll lose – I’ll go into a sliding tackle on Raheem Sterling and, after crippling him, will carry on into a weakened roof support.

“It’ll go down and, like dominos, every single support will slowly topple as the fans flee the collapsing stadium in a huge cloud of dust.

“As it settles they’ll see me, surrounded by the ruins of the Kop and the crushed, twisted remains of every trophy the club’s ever won, standing there knowing that my legend will never be equalled.”

Football writer Julian Cook said: “It’s good, but it’s still some way from matching the total disintegration of United after Fergie left.”