New party for socialist misanthropes a hit

MEMBERSHIP has surged for a new party for left-wingers who want to help the ordinary people they absolutely despise.

Formed by disaffected Labour voter Joseph Turner, the Socialist Misanthropic Party is dedicated to improving the lives of the masses who are too idiotic to vote for it.

Turner said: “We are profound humanitarians who believe that humanitarianism is wasted on humanity.

“The British people are a bunch of stupid, selfish, greedy – sorry, ‘aspirational’ – bastards who we have dedicated our lives to helping in every way possible.

“We’re like Robin Hood, if Robin Hood was considered a fucking joke by the poor while they rallied round the Sheriff of Nottingham because he seemed like a bloke you could have a pint of mead with.

“If we can demonstrate to the low-browed, thuggish hatemongers of the UK that we care about them even while they make our blood boil, hopefully they can drag themselves a rung up the evolutionary ladder to appreciate our altruism.

“By which time we’ll be on the next rung up. I’m not sharing my enlightened position with those arseholes.”

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Weed dealer has easily penetrable ‘code words’

LOCAL drug dealer Tom Logan insists on using the word ‘yoghurts’ as a code for weed.

28-year-old small time criminal Logan believes the substitute term will protect him in the highly unlikely event that police are tapping his phone.

Drugs buyer Mary Fisher said: “According to Tom’s system a ‘yoghurt’ is an eighth of weed.

“So, for example, you might ring up and ask for ‘three yoghurts please’. Which is probably more suspicious than just saying ‘please may I have some cannabis’. Who wants a yoghurt at 3am?”

“Similarly an eighth of hash is referred to as ‘a violin’. And if he’s run out he’ll say ‘sorry I’m feeding my mum’s parrot’.

“This is all a total waste of time but if you don’t humour him he goes mental.”

Logan said: “I’m not dealing, I just collect classical instruments and tend to overstock on Muller products, so people use me as a go-to.

“But if you are calling me for some yoghurts, I’ll meet you in the leisure centre car park in twenty minutes – keep your phone on.

“The yoghurts are £25 each.”