'Maim colleague' is top New Year's resolution

MILLIONS of professionals are beating the back-to-work blues by vowing to maim a colleague or supervisor in 2013.

Researchers at Roehampton University found the majority of workers plan to carry out their attack using a stapler, hole punch or other document-combining device, with 28% saying they’d ‘do it with their bare hands if necessary’.

Donna Sheridan, a mayoral assistant from Kettering said that this is the year she plans to exact revenge on Dylan from the post room.

She explained: “He keeps telling me about how much he hates capitalism. I know he hates capitalism, why else would he smell of onions?

“I spent the Christmas holidays fantasizing about forcing his head into a filing cabinet and slamming the drawer repeatedly. In my head it’s like a scene in a Japanese gangster film where you think the camera is going to cut away, but it doesn’t.

“Clearly though I have no intention of killing him, just making his ears bleed a bit.”

Sales co-ordinator Tom Booker said: “I was going to join a gym for my New Year’s resolution, but then I realised that forcing my struggling line manager out of a third floor window would be a more productive way of burning off calories.

“Also I’m going to read a book every week.”



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How to do a hand transplant

YOU don’t need to be a so-called ‘expert’ to re-attach a hand, according to the Institute for Studies.

As jumped-up doctors act all clever for doing Britain’s ‘first successful hand transplant’, Professor Henry Brubaker explained that the procedure is not hard.

Professor Brubaker said: “People are cooing over these surgeons, but what they do is just a cross between wiring a plug and working on a supermarket meat counter.

“The hard part is getting the hand. Hands are not easy to come by, although they crop up on eBay from time to time.

“If you’re ordering a hand online, making sure that it’s properly wrapped in fresh newspaper. Also if you get a cheap one, check that it isn’t actually a paw.

“If you can’t find a hand on the internet, ask a friend if you can have theirs – everybody basically has a spare one.”

How to do a hand transplant, by Professor Henry Brubaker:

1) Using a sharp object, sever unwanted hand.

2) Tie a bit of string around the stump to reduce mess. Arguably this should be number one, but there’s no right or wrong with these things.

3) Look at the donor hand. In the middle you’ll see some red veiny things – arteries. Line them up with the arteries on your stump. The other bits are nerves, tendons and veins. Dab some glue on the ends, then press them onto your stump.

4) Enjoy your new hand. 

Professor Brubaker said: “I’ve not actually done this myself, but I would.

“Also if you can learn hand transplants and two other basic operations you are technically a qualified surgeon and can earn up to £34 per hour.”

However qualified surgeon Dr Tom Logan said: “Don’t do this. You’ll die.”