Man embarks on completely bizarre Christmas supermarket shop

A MAN has spent several hundred pounds on weird food that he would never consider buying during the rest of the year.

Martin Bishop, 36, was handed a shopping list by his wife as he left for the supermarket, to return an hour later utterly perplexed and significantly poorer for the experience.

Bishop said: “What the fuck is a turkey crown? Which aisle is a jar of pickled walnuts on? Is cassis a drink or a type of cleaning product?

“It was like being in the Aztec Zone of the Crystal Maze, except instead of looking for a crystal I was looking for a pack of six individual Beef Wellington tartlets.

“I was practically bleeding from the eyeballs out of sheer frustration by the time I managed to lay my hands on the Heston frigging Blumenthal banana and bacon trifle.

“When I got it back my wife silently searched through the bags and then just said ‘Where’s the brusselmole?’”

Woman 'living in moment' finds that unfortunately it is connected to other moments

A WOMAN’S attempts to ‘live in the moment’ have been disrupted by the arrival of other moments.

30-year-old Susan Traherne was using mindfulness techniques to be fully present while eating an orange, when the garage phoned with bad news about her car.

She said: “I was totally ‘present’, concentrated on the task at hand without crowding my mind with memories of the past or worries about the future.

“Then the phone rang and it was the garage saying I needed a new radiator and it would be £400. Suddenly I was freaking out, thinking ‘shit, shit, shit’. Now I’m out of the good moment and in the new, bad moment.

“So that’s the problem with moments. They are only a moment long, and because time moves in a line other stuff happens that does your head in, like ten minutes after that when I burned some toast.

“You aren’t supposed to worry about the future but it does tend to arrive whether or not you want it to.”