Relatives planning strange behaviour for Christmas

BRITAIN’S relatives are preparing a range of strange and annoying behaviours for their Christmas visits, they have revealed.

Uncles, cousins and grandparents intend to antagonise hosts with activities including nosing around, irritating food requests and heating-based weirdness.

Uncle Roy Hobbs said: “When I visit my sister’s family for Christmas I’ll definitely be asking to look at their boiler for some reason.

“When there’s a good Pixar film on I’ll insist on watching an obscure programme about trout fishing I’ve discovered on Freeview. I don’t even like fishing.

Grandmother Mary Fisher said: “I’m staying at my daughter’s for a few days, so there’ll be plenty of time for ‘helpful’ things like rearranging the kitchen cupboards.

“I also have an interminable bedtime ritual involving changing into a housecoat and doing things with creams, so I hope they’re not planning to use the bathroom at Christmas.”

Her husband Norman said: “I’ll be taking my grandsons on a long country walk, scaring them shitless with rubbish about ghosts and bringing them home on the brink of hypothermia.”