Relatives planning strange behaviour for Christmas

BRITAIN’S relatives are preparing a range of strange and annoying behaviours for their Christmas visits, they have revealed.

Uncles, cousins and grandparents intend to antagonise hosts with activities including nosing around, irritating food requests and heating-based weirdness.

Uncle Roy Hobbs said: “When I visit my sister’s family for Christmas I’ll definitely be asking to look at their boiler for some reason.

“When there’s a good Pixar film on I’ll insist on watching an obscure programme about trout fishing I’ve discovered on Freeview. I don’t even like fishing.

Grandmother Mary Fisher said: “I’m staying at my daughter’s for a few days, so there’ll be plenty of time for ‘helpful’ things like rearranging the kitchen cupboards.

“I also have an interminable bedtime ritual involving changing into a housecoat and doing things with creams, so I hope they’re not planning to use the bathroom at Christmas.”

Her husband Norman said: “I’ll be taking my grandsons on a long country walk, scaring them shitless with rubbish about ghosts and bringing them home on the brink of hypothermia.”



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Daily Mail's tree dies within an hour

A CHRISTMAS tree in the Daily Mail newsroom has died within 45 minutes of its arrival.

The five-foot pine was belatedly bought with money from petty cash after editor Paul Dacre declared it was time to ‘inject a bit of cheer into the place’.

However the seemingly-healthy tree rapidly withered and died once moved into position between Richard Littlejohn’s desk and the ‘celeb nip slip’ team who are manacled to their desks.

A source said: “It wasn’t as if the spines just fell out. The whole thing sort of withered and turned grey.

“It’s limbs went flaccid and the baubles dropped off and rolled across the floor.

“It’s almost as if the life force was being sucked out of it. A similar thing happened when we got a cheese plant in 2008, and indeed I once saw it happen to a sparrow that flew in through the window.

“I was putting the poor little thing in the bin when Dacre told me he wanted it for his sandwich.”