Man trapped on bus after impromptu erection

A COMMUTER has missed his stop and is travelling away from work after spontaneously and for no reason suffering an erection. 

Plaintively staring at his diminishing office, 27-year-old James Bates remains seated, with a backpack over his groin, and fully tumescent.

He said: “I wasn’t even thinking about any of that. I’d drifted from general contemplation of the Euro qualifiers into a Zenlike calm. But, as my stop approached, I was diamond-hard.

“I have no idea where it came from. To be absolutely clear, there’s nowhere less erotic than the number four from Bracknell to Reading. The bloke opposite me was eating loose crisps from a carrier bag.

“But somehow, maybe due to my position above the wheel, I had the kind of stiffy I’d be proud to show up in the bedroom with. No way could I get off the bus. Someone may very well have ended up calling the police.

“This needs to subside and fast. I’m two stops past and it’s still like a scaffolding pole. What’s my excuse for being late? That I had a cock on me that could take an eye out?

“Go down, you Monday morning bastard. Where are you when I f**king need you?”

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Relaxed woman cool with boyfriend having fat female friends

A CHILLED-OUT girlfriend has no concerns about her boyfriend socialising with other women, as long as they are four sizes larger than her.

Lucy Parry has confirmed that her boyfriend Tom Logan is free to be friends with any female he likes, provided they have a BMI of 30 or above.

Parry said: “I’m absolutely not a jealous type at all. When he mentions a new female friend I’ll say ‘Oh, great. What does she do? What are her hobbies? Why don’t you show me a photo of her right this f**king second?’

“I absolutely agree with the notion that men and women can be platonic friends. As long as that woman is someone I can euphemistically describe as ‘jolly’, ‘bubbly’ or ‘big-boned’.

“It’s the same with older ladies, as long as they’re practically drawing their pension. If I’m totally sure they represent no threat to me in any way whatsoever, it’s fine. I’m very relaxed like that.”

Tom Logan said: “Have you ever been on a night out with a girl who’d happily drink four pints and go for chips on the way home? Don’t tell Lucy, but it’s sexy as hell.”