Matching North Face jackets mandatory for couples aged 45 and over

MIDDLE-AGED couples are legally required to wear matching practical jackets to even the most inappropriate occasions, it has been confirmed.

The controversial sight of 40somethings arriving at funerals wearing colourful waterproofs over formalwear can now be explained by the little-known legislation, which was introduced in 2008 but only promoted at dinner parties.

A government spokesman said: “People over 45 could not be trusted to dress themselves properly. Left to their own devices the women want to embrace age-inappropriate leopard print Pat Butcher coats, while the men sport creepy leather jackets with too many zips.

“Issuing them all with matching North Face jackets in gender appropriate colours saves everyone the embarrassment of watching them cling onto their youth, plus they’re kept warm, dry and easy to spot when they get lost in National Trust properties.”

Retired shop manager Helen Archer said: “I know this smart handbag and shiny high heels look insane with a practical outdoors jacket but I couldn’t give a fuck.

“Being free of the tyranny of fashion gives us time to embrace stereotypical middle-aged pursuits like doing our backs in trying to use a sex swing.”

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Personality survey finds rational Britons desperately outnumbered

A NATIONWIDE personality study has found that only 0.4 per cent of the population is not obsessed with sofas and fighting.

Researchers found that nearly everyone in the UK has a serious character affliction that makes them difficult to be around because they are either dangerous or demented.

In London there are only four people who are not technically psychopaths either in terms of narcissism or doing violent things, while in Yorkshire that number drops to one.

Professor Henry Brubaker of the Institute for Studies said: “You could gather up all the people who don’t like needless aggression, Mail Online celebrity news or out-of-town retail parks and put them together in a small hamlet. Except they would soon meet a grisly end.

“The clear message is that anyone who is even self-aware enough to worry whether they are sane should leave immediately.

“Like now.”

The survey found that people in the Forest of Dean are friendliest but only because they are trying to lure travellers into a trap.

Salesman Julian Cook said: “It depends what you call rational. I work all week at a job I hate so that I can buy ‘designer’ shirts to wear for extreme violence on Friday and Saturday. It’s a good system.”