Matching North Face jackets mandatory for couples aged 45 and over

MIDDLE-AGED couples are legally required to wear matching practical jackets to even the most inappropriate occasions, it has been confirmed.

The controversial sight of 40somethings arriving at funerals wearing colourful waterproofs over formalwear can now be explained by the little-known legislation, which was introduced in 2008 but only promoted at dinner parties.

A government spokesman said: “People over 45 could not be trusted to dress themselves properly. Left to their own devices the women want to embrace age-inappropriate leopard print Pat Butcher coats, while the men sport creepy leather jackets with too many zips.

“Issuing them all with matching North Face jackets in gender appropriate colours saves everyone the embarrassment of watching them cling onto their youth, plus they’re kept warm, dry and easy to spot when they get lost in National Trust properties.”

Retired shop manager Helen Archer said: “I know this smart handbag and shiny high heels look insane with a practical outdoors jacket but I couldn’t give a fuck.

“Being free of the tyranny of fashion gives us time to embrace stereotypical middle-aged pursuits like doing our backs in trying to use a sex swing.”