Dozens killed in beaver/otter turf war

VIOLENCE between beaver and otter gangs is spiralling out of control.

Beavers have been reintroduced to river environments, prompting a deadly backlash from heavily armed otters.

Naturalist Emma Bradford said: “We knew the otters were violent but did not anticipate that the beavers had their own gangs like Dam U 2 Hell Crew, Beevs and Buck Tooth Massive.

“The otters had been moving a lot of crack and meth up and down the River Frome, but the beavers built dams in key areas and demanded a ‘tax’ to let them through.”

Gunplay ensued, with nine voles, a moorhen and an environmentalist doing a study on breeding patterns among those caught in the crossfire.

Bradford added: “I would stay away from the riverbanks even if you really want a picnic.”

However beaver M-Phibious said: “We got nothing but love. Just chewing some logs, that’s all.

“But if otters come to us then shit could get really real.”

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HS2 viable if Birmingham moved to Lake District

HS2 will deliver cost-effective journey time reductions if Birmingham is moved to Cumbria, experts have confirmed.

The Institute for Studies found that spending £50bn reducing the Birmingham-London journey time by 20 minutes was obviously stupid, but reducing the time by an hour and half was a bit less stupid.

Professor Henry Brubaker said: “I drove up the M6, past Penrith and found myself in this vast emptiness. I realised I was now quite far from London, as opposed to being quite near, like Birmingham.

“And as I looked across this huge, undeveloped landscape I thought, ‘put Birmingham here’.”

Professor Brubaker claimed the cost of relocating Birmingham and then connecting it to London with high speed rail would be offset by turning the Lake District into an ‘economic powerhouse’.

He added: “The Lake District is a gigantic cliche filled with sentimental tourists. Let’s make it Birmingham instead.”

Professor Brubaker said the space vacated by Birmingham could be turned into a holiday camp for unfortunate children.