1. Smeg Ultra-Wave cooker. Grows a chicken from a free range egg, kills it, plucks it, cooks it and then turns the bones into organic stock cubes.
2. Moulinex Kwang-O-Matic. If you overcook your chicken in the Ultra-Wave you just push the big black button and it reverses linear time.
3. Ikea World War Two communist helmet.
4. Ikea ShrinkRay.
5. Lumps of putrefying giraffe meat that he feeds to Ian Duncan Smith through the slot in his wooden crate.
6. Moulinex James Landale-O-Matic. Everyone in SW1, the Cotswolds and Edinburgh’s fashionable New Town has at least three.
7. Every night he uses the Ikea ShrinkRay to reduce Michael Gove to the size of a Lego man and then puts him in this tiny, stainless steel dungeon.
8. Posh, tattooed wife. Everyone in SW1, the Cotswolds and Edinburgh’s fashionable New Town has at least two.