Taylor Swift to produce bland, catchy porn

TAYLOR Swift is to produce pornography that is unremarkable on the surface but really gets into your head. 

The star purchased the taylorswift.porn and taylorswift.adult domains to make adult films that offer nothing unique but are broadcast everywhere 24 hours a day until you cannot forget them.

She said: “In today’s multiscreen multitasking world, nobody has the time to actually concentrate on porn from the stilted opening scenes to its sticky, shameful conclusion. 

“Taylor Swift Adult Erotic needs only the most half-hearted attention in a reduced window on your desktop while you do work emails, but contains memorable grunting patterns that will replay on a loop in your mind for days.”

Wayne Hayes of Huddersfield said: “After repeated viewing I found myself mimicking the pattern of the sex sounds while on the tube.

“I wouldn’t buy it myself, it’s more my girlfriend’s sort of thing, but I must admit I’m quite looking forward to the live shows.”

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Corden steps effortlessly into self-congratulating wankfest

JAMES Corden has enjoyed a smooth start to his new career helping film stars masturbate on live television.

The British actor said his successful US talk show offers a fresh approach to watching celebrities masturbate casually while sharing anecdotes about how good other celebrities are at pleasuring themselves.

Corden opened his first show with a montage of him stroking the genitals of some famous people who are all now his very close friends.

He then told Mila Kunis and Tom Hanks how much he and Simon Pegg loved their work, while they promoted their mediocre films and wanked on a sofa while giggling.

Meanwhile the show was given a glowing review by Corden’s close friend and masturbation coach Piers Morgan, which experts said should eventually kill it stone fucking dead.