Men celebrate exclusion from soft play centres

FATHERS are ecstatic at the arrival of soft play centres that they are not allowed into.

Their jubilation follows media reports of a ‘women only’ play centre marketed at its local Asian community.

Father-of-three Tom Booker said: “Far from being engulfed by frenzied feelings of anti-Islamic righteous anger, I sat back with a smug smile on my face imagining a future free of ball pools.

“Childless people, or as I like to call them ‘the alive’, have no idea a pocket of Hell exists on their high street.

“I tell them to imagine a lawless zone, like Hamsterdam in The Wire, filled with instruments of torture, where no act of violence is too extreme.”

Stephen Malley, who has twins, said: “I’ve seen grown men drowning in ball pools while frantic assistants try to throw a rope into their desperately grasping hands.

“I’ve seen mothers splayed lifeless at the bottom of bumpy slides, and rampaging packs of six-year-olds, high on Fruit Shoots, mercilessly pursuing their own brothers like a litter of piglets hell-bent on the destruction of the runt.

“It’s a padded, colourful nightmare.

“They should ban women as well, black out the windows, change the name from Cheeky Chimps to Lord of the Flies, and just let the kids go primal until only the strongest survive.”



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Bank of England becomes Bank of China

SIR Mervyn King is to start reporting on the Chinese economy in a bid to deliver some good news for a change.

The vaguely avian governor, tired of his image as a prophet of doom, has re-branded the Bank of England as the Bank of China.

King said: “Economically speaking, England has become a toxic brand, so we have moved on.  As of today, the Bank of China is happy to report record growth, a world-famous cuisine and also we’re top of the Olympics medal table.

“Sorry I’ve been such a buzz kill for ages.”

King had become increasingly obsessed with injecting positivity into his reports. Recent attempts to lighten the mood include exaggerated growth forecasts, press releases written in Comic Sans and interest rate decisions delivered as limericks, which were scuppered by the difficulty of finding a rhyme for ‘Osborne’.

City traders have responded enthusiastically to the change, celebrating with cocaine at soulless bars staffed by borderline prostitutes.

A Chinese government spokesman said: “The Bank of who? England?

“You guys can do whatever, it really makes no difference. None whatsoever.”

Before focusing on China, the Governor considered a variety of other names, including the Bank of Puppies, the Bank of Rihanna, and Rave Zone.

Sir Mervyn recently changed his own name from Marvin to stop people confusing him with one of JLS.