Men seeking plausible beard exit strategies

MILLIONS of men are to pretend a shaving accident caused them to remove their beard.

After the UK reached beard saturation point, men are desperate to remove their facial hair without appearing to be weak-willed fashion victims.

31-year-old Tom Logan said: “I was making some toast, the tip of my beard went in the toaster, suddenly it was on fire and I had to cut it all off.

“Total accident. I would not be so feeble as to substantially alter my appearance because of an article in The Guardian.”

Graphic designer Stephen Malley said: “The reason for my new clean-shaven look is that I went to get a passport photo done and you aren’t allowed facial hair because of anti-terrorism laws.”

28-year-old Wayne Hayes said: “Mine got stuck in a door, it was a case of pull it out by the roots or starve to death.

“As an unreconstructed alpha male who doesn’t give a shit about media-driven style trends and is basically a raw sexy ape I chose the former but purely for survival reasons.

“Then I applied moisturiser to the affected area.”