Middle class landlords warned over apologetic rent increases

MIDDLE class landlords are raising rents in apologetic ways designed to suggest it is not their fault, it has emerged.

Tenants who rent from seemingly nice middle class people reported nauseating excuses like “we haven’t put the rent up for several months because we really like you” and “it’s still cheap for the area”, which are obviously total bullshit.

Renter Emma Bradford said: “Our landlord is a trendy university lecturer who pretends to be our mate.

“Every time he turns the screws on the rent he makes a pained face and says how much he hates doing it but ‘property really is shooting up around here’ or some such crap.

“We’d rather he just went ‘I’m the puppet master, you’re the puppet, give me money, fuck you’. It would certainly save the boring preamble about his holiday at Center Parcs.”

Tenant Wayne Hayes said: “Our landlords are a nice couple who love the Guardian, have a cute little blonde kid and get their vegetables delivered in a box.

“They’re also the biggest fuckers going.”

Sign up now to get
The Daily Mash
free Headlines email – every weekday

Small towns just as good as cities for fighting

SMALL provincial towns provide just as many opportunities to have a fight as cities, it has been claimed.

Researchers at the Institute for Studies found that small market towns, especially those with an army barracks and a club doing offers on WKD, have a fighting culture on a par with major cities.

Professor Henry Brubaker said: “You don’t have to go to London or Manchester to have a fight. There are small, seemingly quiet towns where literally everyone is into fighting.

“It’s their way of ‘making their own fun’.”

Tom Logan moved from East London to the Forest of Dean, where he has been pleasantly surprised by the amount of fighting.

He said: “At first all my London friends were mocking me, saying how boring and fight-free my life would be. But there’s loads of fighting here, it’s right up with Streatham high street on a Friday night.

“The locals are hostile and quick to anger. If you go to the pub and there isn’t already a fight on, it doesn’t take long to start one.”