Kind, loving couple inexplicably read Daily Mail

A NICE older couple inexplicably read the Daily Mail, it has emerged.

Tom and Susan Booker are consistently kind and considerate to both family members and complete strangers, despite enjoying a daily dose of demented frothing hate and undiluted paranoia via their favourite newspaper.

Nikki Hollis, the couples’ 33-year-old daughter, said: “It’s weird because they really are sound. Last month dad drove 80 miles in the middle of the night to help me when my car broke down.

“They are generally nice to people and I’m not aware of them being murderous or insane. Maybe they just stare at the pages without reading the words.”

The Bookers’ Daily Mail is delivered at breakfast time, so that they can read articles about devious asylum seekers, homosexual benefits fraudsters and giant African hornets while having their toast.

However Tom Booker explained: “Sometimes they do a thing where you cut out the tokens to try to win a cottage. Even better, they have been known to give away free packets of seeds at the weekend.

“Other than that we mainly get it to keep up on what the cast of Celebrity Sex Pit has been up to.”


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Group of arseholes in pub getting bigger

AN OBNOXIOUS group of after-work drinkers is getting larger, dismayed pub customers have noticed.

Drinkers at the Ram’s Head in Swindon had assumed the group of loud, annoying office workers would soon leave but instead they have been joined by more arseholes.

Pub regular Emma Bradford said: “I thought they’d go after a quick drink and bigging themselves up about whatever immensely ordinary job they do.

“But more of them keep arriving. A guy’s just turned up who keeps shouting ‘WHAT YOU DRINKING?’ really aggressively. He’s pretending to be ‘in charge’ or something.

“There’s also a dick who seems to think using a mobile phone impresses people and a woman who keeps screaming so you know what a great time she’s having.

“They keep coming over and asking for spare seats in a slightly aggressive manner.”

Office stationery salesman Wayne Hayes said: “When we all go out for a drink I like to bang on the table loudly if someone says something mildly amusing. I feel that really adds to the evening.

“But sometimes when we’re in the pub other people look unhappy. I think they’re disappointed they aren’t us.”