Southern Rail bosses ask customers' advice on which luxury sports car to buy

TRAIN company bosses have asked customers to help decide which incredibly fancy car they should buy.

Southern Rail has shitloads of money from ticket sales and would like to know whether commuters prefer the classic lines of the Aston Martin Vanquish or the more modernist Lamborghini Aventador.

Southern Rail tweeted: “Loving the Aston but plenty of cheddar in the bank so could even get the Lambo too?

“Or the new Ferrari with the limited edition calfskin seats. Don’t get that on the train LOL.”

It added: “Let us know what you reckon guys. Could get all three and whack the ticket prices up again maybe?”

However season ticket holder Roy Hobbs tweeted: “Are you going to drive it off a cliff like at the end of Thelma & Louise? Because everyone would like that.

“Just make the fucking trains work you bastards.”

A Southern Rail spokesman said: “It’s a fair question though because the Lambo is faster but the Aston Martin is perhaps more elegant.

“When you run a train company this is the kind of serious shit you have to deal with.”

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Hunt to replace foreign doctors with 'the internet'

JEREMY Hunt has confirmed plans to replace foreign doctors with the internet.

The health secretary said that any foreign doctors will not be missed post-Brexit as everyone has broadband these days and people’s health is not actually that big an issue anyway.

Hunt added: “Who the fuck needs doctors anyway?

“We can hire old British actors who never quite made it and are desperately looking for work to play experts on some YouTube clips called things like Ow My Chest Hurts and Tell Me Why My Hand Tingles.

“I wondered what Tregard from Knightmare is up to these days? He’d be perfect.”

It’ll work for you. Meanwhile I’ll be flying to France to get looked at by a proper doctor.”