Middle class men 'still have no idea why they try to impress working class men'

MIDDLE class men still cannot explain their pathetic urge to try to impress working class men they meet.

The Institute for Studies found that 98 percent of middle class males felt a compulsion to suck up to their working class counterparts but could give no rational explanation for it.

Professor Henry Brubaker said: “Initially we thought it might be an attempt to get charged less by workmen, but it appears to be an altogether more complex form of creepy man-love.

“It may be they feel deep respect for the working man, or they could just be scared of them. Either way it’s pretty toe-curling when they start going ‘Alright, Jeff?’ and ‘Did you see the football?’.”

Accountant Tom Logan said: “I just can’t help myself when a plumber or some other horny-handed son of toil comes round. I’m like Lady Chatterley and they’re my lover.

“I was embarrassingly matey with the builders who did our extension. I’ve no idea why. I’m never going to see them again and in the cold light of day most of them were knobheads.

“Last week I started doing keepie uppies when the meter reader came round. I broke a couple of pictures and the Alexa but it was worth it because he laughed with me.”

Sign up now to get
The Daily Mash
free Headlines email – every weekday

Five shit endings that still would have been better than the Game of Thrones finale

GAME of Thrones fans’ disappointment shows no sign of abating, so here are five terrible endings that are still better than what actually happened.

Tyrion starts a successful wine blog

If Tyrion getting to right his wrongs annoyed you, this ending is only slightly less grating as he gets the love and family he craves from simpering wine buffs who adore his recommendations for reasonably priced New World wines.

Arya Stark decides to retake her GCSEs

Instead of vaguely wandering off, Arya’s education story comes irritatingly full circle. In an ‘uplifting’ final scene we see her getting the grades she needs to pursue her dream of becoming a vet.

Samwell Tarley gets a kitchen extension approved

The Tarley family storyline gets the payoff it deserves as Samwell and Gilly live the perfect middle-class Westeros lifestyle and little Sam gets into an Ofsted-rated ‘excellent’ local school.

Jon Snow and Daenerys go into couples’ counselling

Jon and Dany get the shite but complex ending we all really wanted as Dany survives but is served a fate worse than a dagger in the ribs – 30 sessions of couples’ counselling.

Bran campaigns for disabled access in Westeros

Years of having to travel on an oaf’s back only to get a job he didn’t want? In this equally frustrating feel-good ending Bran is lauded for his tireless work installing ramps in King’s Landing, which used to be a nightmare for wheelchair users.