Money Now Worth Random Amounts

TWENTY pence  is now worth £50, a tenner is worth 12p and a 2p piece is worth about four grand, it was confirmed last night.

Martin Bishop, Coinmaker-in-Chief at the Royal Mint, said it all started when he accidentally made a load of 20ps with no date on.

"The next day some bloke said they were worth fifty quid and, even though it didn't make much sense at the time, no one thought to argue.'

He added: "Now it's all a bit fucked up."

Mervyn King, Governor of the Bank of England, said he had finally decided to give up, adding: "I've bought a guitar and am going to go round the local pubs doing Tom Petty covers."

The sudden, totally random and utterly inexplicable change in the value of money is a boon for those who collect coins or have recently used a fiver to buy some Tic Tacs.

Edie Godley, 82, from Worcester has a large cider bottle completely filled with the small brown coins that used to be worth 1p and 2p each.

She added: "I collect coppers because I am lonely and enjoy taking them to the bank, where I can chat to the teller as she laboriously counts them out, while people stand behind me, calling me a 'manky old shit'.

"But now each two pence piece is worth £800,012 so I have decided to buy Norway and make myself its Queen. It's going to be lovely."

Others, like Dave Stein, a gangster and drug dealer from Chigwell, are less pleased.

"I had just left a major heroin deal with a suitcase full of unmarked fifties. Apparently they're now worth 0.0086p each. I've already spent it all on a Wispa. I'm gutted."

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All Childrens Parties A Bad Idea, Say Docs

SWINE flu parties for children are exactly as bad as any other party filled with jam-covered little shits fucking-up your widescreen television, doctors said last night.

The British Medical Association said that any parent who was tempted to hold a swine flu party should remember the last birthday party and then smack themselves in the face with a pot for being so stupid.

Britain is now in the slowly tightening grip of a fresh panic after officials upgraded the virus from 'elaborate hoax' to 'about the same as a badger attack'.

Across the UK parents have been throwing parties hoping their children catch the virus before it mutates, as GPs said they may as well pack up and go home as everyone seems happy to be treated by the fucking Daily Express.

Deliberately infecting offspring with a potentially lethal virus is a Victorian invention.

Diarist Lady Monkswell wrote on June 5th 1872: "The summer season moves on apace and I have been much occupied inviting children to young Harold's tuberculosis party. He grows weaker by the hour."

A BMA spokesman said: "It is a good idea if you want two dozen bastards running through your house like a dose of diarrhoea, funnelling Sunny Delight into your BluRay player and experimenting with your cat."

He added: "From what we have been able to determine so far, it does seem to be the same sort of people who believe that MMR jabs will turn their kids into Rain Man.

"You know, arseholes."