Fears Grow Over Vampire Policemen
BRITAIN'S police forces have been overrun by idiot, racist vampires, it was claimed last night.
As bags of human blood were discovered in staffroom fridges, vampirologists said every community in Britain was now under threat from rampaging hordes of blood-thirsty morons with tasers and nightsticks.
Dr Wayne Hayes, of Reading University, said: "They are vampires but because they're also policemen it means they're idiot vampires who were too stupid for the army.
"They don't bite people on the neck because they know absolutely nothing about human anatomy.
"It's much easier for them to just beat their victims until blood starts to come out. Then they soak up it with a sponge, squeeze it into a plastic bag and bung it in the fridge."
Dr Hayes said the really stupid vampire policemen are keeping urine and stool samples in the same fridge and then trying to concoct some sort of lunch out of them.
He added: "Despite their racism they are known to enjoy extracting and consuming the blood of black and Asian people because they think it will give them a sense of natural rhythm and the ability to run a successful small business."
The Independent Police Complaints Commission has pledged to hold a full inquiry headed by the fearless vampire hunter Professor Gabriel Van Helsing. The inquiry is expected to last up to three years and could result in a press conference and a handful of strongly worded letters.
Dr Hayes stressed that idiot vampire policemen tend to prey on Brazilian electricians and newspaper sellers, but advised anyone who was worried to fill up on garlic bread and carry a bag full of steaks.
He said: "Wooden stakes are only for traditional vampires. If you wave a sirloin steak in front of a vampire policeman and then throw it, he will chase after it. Like a dog."