‘My Son Pushed His Willy Between His Legs And Pretended To Be A Girl’

AUTHOR Juliet Myerson last night stepped up her attack on estranged son Jake by revealing how he used to dance around naked with his penis between his thighs pretending to be Bonnie Langford.

Myerson threw her son out of the house aged 17 for using cannabis and then wrote it all down in a book described by one critic as ‘about as maternally affectionate as a pre-menstrual tarantula’.

She now hopes to finish him off with a combination of the Langford-inspired trans-sexual prancing and a doctored photograph of him holding a Daniel O’Donnell LP.

The author, who was recently cautioned after vandalising a local flyover with the message ‘Jake Myerson Sucks Goats For Cash’,  told the Guardian: “He’s an AIDS-riddled skunk monkey who likes baking, knitting and watching Murder She Wrote with his fairy-boys.”

The tradition of parent-child feuds in literary circles dates back to Chaucer, who dubbed his son Ian ‘a nancie boye both faire and true, who taketh it up the ers for a groat or twoe’.

But Jake Myerson has hit back telling the Daily Mail that his mother goes to the toilet on the kitchen floor and could start her own navy with the number of sailors who have been up her slipway.

He added: “I’m not that fussed, actually. I notice there’s a whole section in WH Smith written by people whose parents were utter shits.

“I’ll get some unemployed hack to ghost-write my version and spend the next 10 years munted as a twat. Result.”

Sign up now to get
The Daily Mash
free Headlines email – every weekday

Back To Basics At Crufts As Best In Show Goes To Deformed Rat

CRUFTS, the world's biggest dog show, last night shrugged off recent controversies and went back to basics by awarding the top prize to one of those weird little dogs that looks like a deformed rodent.

This year's supreme champion is a Sealyham terrier, which is a four-way cross between a Philippine Forest Rat, an Australian Swamp Rat, a Jack Russell and a baked Alaska.

Charmin, short for Charmin Ultra-Strong Two-Ply Diamond Weave Toilet Paper, will now spend the next 12 months being relentlessly man-handled and photographed for reasons known only to its owner.

Crufts has had a turbulent year after a hard-hitting documentary about the inbreeding which leads to the sort of people who make their dogs compete in shows.

Tom Logan, managing director of petfood manufacturers YummyGravyDonkeyChunks, said: "I watched these people prancing about the ring and I thought 'have you really got nothing better to do? Because
I'll tell you what, the dog does'.

"We commissioned a study last year which showed that dogs were not terribly keen on being driven across the country in a crate for 12 hours before being felt up by a retired magistrate.

"All the available evidence suggests that pretty much the only thing a dog wants to do is run around a field eating a wide variety of faecal matter before throwing it up and eating it again."

An RSPCA spokesman said: "Why do they always give the prize to these weird, scary little mutants? What's wrong with a nice Labrador or a Spaniel with an ordinary name and nauseatingly disgusting character traits. Crufts is rubbish."