New terror bill to make everyone spy or terrorist

THE new anti-terrorism bill will give everyone the choice of being a spy or an enemy of the state.

It’s all going to be very sexy

Home secretary Theresa May said the bill would empower millions of people to communicate, exchange ideas and use flimsy pretexts to denounce anyone they dislike.

She added: “Once you’ve made your choice you will be part of a dynamic, 21st Century network that’s all about people and having fun.

“Or you’ll be dragged from your bed at 3am and flown to an abandoned abattoir in Turkey.”

Under the bill spies and terrorists will sign-up via their Facebook, Twitter and LinkedIn accounts. Meanwhile, the bill also sub-contracts many of the functions of MI6 to the O2 ‘Be More Dog’ campaign.

Anyone not on social media will have chosen terrorism by default and be sent to the Turkish abattoir.

Mrs May said: “Once everyone on social media is spying on each other Britain will be a much happier place.

“In exchange for their efforts every spy will be served with a huge range of adverts and each month one lucky winner gets to have lunch with Malcolm Rifkind.”

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Scotland too much of a paradise to ever leave, confirm millionaires

SCOTLAND to tax its millionaires because they could never find anywhere nicer to live.

The country, which has lured oligarchs from across the globe with its mix of urban realness and refreshing weather conditions, will hugely increase the top rate of tax knowing they are too enraptured with Scotland to consider moving elsewhere.

Oil magnate Roy Hobbs said: “Scotland is both an Eden and a trap.

“Barbados is worthless after an afternoon on the beach at Broughty Ferry and once you’ve seen Glasgow, how could New York ever satisfy?

“This is why no Scottish person with money, from Sean Connery to Billy Connolly, could ever bear to move away to America, for example.

“We are captives here, birds in gilded cages.”