Your astrological week ahead, with Psychic Bob

Sagittarius (22 NOV-21 DEC)
Don’t ask for a doggy bag at an all-you-can-eat buffet, as it might come across as slightly greedy.

Capricorn (22 DEC-19 JAN)
The man that hath no music in himself, nor is moved with concord of sweet sounds, is fit for treasons, stratagems and spoils. And that, I think you’ll find, is proof that deaf people are evil.

Aquarius (20 JAN-19 FEB)
To mark Nigel Farage’s candidacy in next year’s election you’re releasing a rap album called Fear Of A Black Thanet.

Pisces (20 FEB-20 MAR)
Your plan to sell the stuff nan left you at auction backfires when Christie’s says they don’t deal in Class A drugs.

Aries (21 MAR-19 APR)
As a restaurant reviewer you struggle to get your tax returns done as there’s no accounting for taste.

Taurus (20 APRIL – 20 MAY)
No news from your bank manager on your loan application for a German breakfast bakery called Gluten Morgen.

Gemini (21 MAY-20 JUN)
You never really got into Assassin’s Creed but having heard their music, you reckon you’d like Creed’s assassin.

Cancer (21 JUN-22 JUL)
Why not pretend your Facebook account has been hacked and call loads of people at work ‘cock-nosed arsebags’?

Leo (23 JUL-22 AUG)
I think one of the reasons you’re not getting job interviews is the fact you list ‘wanking’ as a hobby.

Virgo (23 AUG-22 SEP)
If you’re attacked by a bear, pretend to be dead. Organising a wake might be a bit over the top, mind.

Libra (23 SEP-23 OCT)
If symptoms persist after three days, consult your GP. Actually, you may as well call them now because it will take that long to get an appointment.

Scorpio (24 OCT-21 NOV)
Atheist cannibal still at large in Warwickshire. Nuneaton.

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Workers successfully bought off with Christmas meal

A FREE meal at a high street restaurant is ample reward for months of relentless poorly-paid toil, according to employees.

As the festive season begins, workers confirmed that slaving for most of their waking lives in stressful, tedious roles was a small price to pay for a free trip to a mid-priced Italian.

41-year-old sales co-ordinator Mary Fisher said: “I haven’t had a pay rise for four years because my boss has upgraded to a twelve-bedroom house, and yesterday he called me a ‘bloated sack of hair’ because of something that was his fault.

“But when the menus went round for our annual Christmas meal, my morale shot straight up out of the doldrums.

“Apparently we can have anything we want off the menu except seafood starters, and drinks are free up to a limit of two wines and a spirit.”

Office worker Stephen Malley said: “Our company has hired a room in a corporate hotel, laying on a cold turkey buffet, disco and mildly racist comedian.

“I can’t think of anything better, except maybe just getting the monetary equivalent of my refreshments and being allowed to spend it in the pub with people I actually like.”