FIFTEEN-year-old Active J, known in his detached home as Joshua Hudson, goes to see Oasis and suffers the torture of being there with his father, innit.

WAGWAN? Fam, man’s daddem is usually bein’ a boring bankbot at him’s work, but dis week mumdem sez him’s going to take Joshua an’ Lady G to a gig. You wot?

So on da day, man woz dressed to himpress, all black ‘Ugo Boss cap, top an’ shorts, complimented wiv mint-condition, black Airmax 95’s, henveloped in a boxfresh Cole Buxton puffer. Active J woz hyper-peng, gangsta dripped, an’ barely legal. Man cud eat manself.

Den daddem comes downstairs wearin’ cargo shorts! Man never sees daddem wivout a businessbot suit on, never mind flashin’ him’s bare legs! Turbo-rank, fam. Ew!

But wait! Him also ‘ad a Hadidas bucket hat an’ Hadidas white parentdem shoppin’ trainers on, urgh! An’ da worst of all, a football shirt of da blue City team type. You wot? Him doesn’t know what shape a football is, innit! An’ him’s rankman trainers woz squeakin’ on da sustainable oak floor. Man woz uber-hembarrassed, fam.

It woz den dat Active J realised we woz goin’ to see Hoasis, but daddem ‘ad got a ticket for Lady G too, fank god for dat. So at da gig Active J’s hoptics woz bare hench. Hoasis gyaldem woz bare checkin’ Active J out for man’s hindividuality an’ sheer alpha mandem. 

But as da singin’ an’ da shoutin’ from da Hoasis brand muggles ramped up, man woz haware dat him’s pristine drip woz in danger of bein’ blemished wiv da rank beer, an’ man might tread on water bottles dat didn’t look or smell like water. Da whole hevent woz a roadman nightmare.

Especially coz man’s wasteman dad woz off him’s tits! Man ‘as never seen him do hanyfink but be a money muggle before. Him woz all jumpin’ haround like a major tossprick, coz daddem sed him woz a Manchester music fan in da nineties. Active J woz like, why? You is from Windsor, innit. 

Den da gig camera pointed at Activ J an’ we woz on da jumbotron screen! Nang! Nang! Nuclear-nang!

But den suddenly man’s wasteman dad tries to lift Active J on him’s shoulders, but him’s was too pissed an’ Active J feel off backwards and hit da floor. Da camera zoomed in an’ da Hoasis fans all laughed. Man was bare humiliated, an’ so woz wasteman daddem.

So fam, Lady G didn’t get on da jumbotron TV for long. Active J woz pissed off at da time, but him’s have rethinked now. Activ J is now a Hoasis icon, an’ man shared a ting wiv him’s daddem which him will remember forhever, so man is gassed, fam. Man is sunshine gassed.