Northerner terrorised London by saying hello

A NORTHERN man has left a trail of terror across London by attempting to interact socially with everyone he meets.

Stephen Malley has left residents of the capital traumatised by his relentless onslaught of cheerful chat and maintained eye contact.

Euston ticket office operative Julian Cook said: “I pushed his Travelcard at him while staring fixedly downward but instead of scurrying off, head bowed in shame, he just stood there.

“I realised that his earlier remark about London attractions was not addressed to a Bluetooth headset but to me, and that he actually expected an answer.

“I closed my position immediately and have an appointment with the trauma counsellor.”

Malley’s campaign of terror spread to pubs, where he attempted to engage strangers with prying questions about what sort of day they were having. Later he left an entire tube carriage confused and angry with multiple light-hearted remarks about how crowded it was.

Malley said: “I’m actually a surly, miserable bastard, but when Northerners come down here we do this to ensure the people of London never visit us to discover our beautiful landscape and abundant, cheap housing.

“What a relief it was to arrive at Warrington station last night and tell the Big Issue seller to go fuck himself.”

Sign up now to get
The Daily Mash
free Headlines email – every weekday

Beastie Boys apologise for Rage Against the Machine

BEASTIE Boys co-founder Adam Horovitz has apologised for inspiring bombastic dirge-metallers Rage Against the Machine.

The Beastie Boys’ fusion of hard rock and rap spawned a legion of imitators, including RATM, whose 1992 single Killing In The Name made Horovitz wish he had never picked up a microphone.

He said: “None of us knew when we started out that we would one day inspire some self-important trustafarians to make the some of the worst music of the 90s.

“I hate the fact that I am responsible for songs that are like being shouted at by a pubescent Noam Chomsky while moshers spray you with warm beer and saliva.”

Henry Rollins, ex-frontman of Black Flag, added: “RATM took our alienated anger and turned it into protest songs for teenagers whose parents wouldn’t let them have a telly in their bedroom.

“They are posturing hypocrites with an idiotic name. And that’s coming from me, a guy who once released a song with a band called Les Claypool and the Holy Mackerel.”

Meanwhile, punk-reggae outfit Bad Brains have issued an unreserved apology for inspiring the Beastie Boys.