Northerner terrorised London by saying hello

A NORTHERN man has left a trail of terror across London by attempting to interact socially with everyone he meets.

Stephen Malley has left residents of the capital traumatised by his relentless onslaught of cheerful chat and maintained eye contact.

Euston ticket office operative Julian Cook said: “I pushed his Travelcard at him while staring fixedly downward but instead of scurrying off, head bowed in shame, he just stood there.

“I realised that his earlier remark about London attractions was not addressed to a Bluetooth headset but to me, and that he actually expected an answer.

“I closed my position immediately and have an appointment with the trauma counsellor.”

Malley’s campaign of terror spread to pubs, where he attempted to engage strangers with prying questions about what sort of day they were having. Later he left an entire tube carriage confused and angry with multiple light-hearted remarks about how crowded it was.

Malley said: “I’m actually a surly, miserable bastard, but when Northerners come down here we do this to ensure the people of London never visit us to discover our beautiful landscape and abundant, cheap housing.

“What a relief it was to arrive at Warrington station last night and tell the Big Issue seller to go fuck himself.”