Leader of UK ‘must be prepared to kill everyone’

ANY future prime minister must be willing to guarantee the total destruction of the UK in a nuclear war.

As Jeremy Corbyn pledged never to use nuclear weapons, voters made it clear they will reject anyone who will not cause them to be vaporised.

Donna Sheridan, from Stevenage, said: “We should definitely kill millions of enemy civilians because it might cheer us up a bit before we die.

“Retaliation would ultimately be pointless because widespread destruction would be inevitable and they might just send more missiles to finish us off. So we need to be led by someone who isn’t very good at thinking logically.”

She added: “It would help if they had a total disregard for human life and a fixation with apocalyptic vengeance. It’s a shame they killed Bin Laden because he’d be perfect.”

Tom Booker, from Hatfield, said: “A few people would probably survive so fighting back would boost morale. And morale is vitally important when you’re scavenging in the ruins with your teeth falling out.”

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Love each other, say departing free plastic bags

FREE plastic bags have issued a message of solidarity and respect before going home to deep space. 

The bags, which first arrived on Earth in the 1960s, are enjoying their final day as humanity’s companions and servants before embarking on their cosmic voyage. 

A bag spokesman said: “We will always cherish the time we spent by the side of the people of England. Be strong and live in peace.

“Holding your shopping, your household waste and your packed lunches has been an honour, and we thank you for our palatial accommodation in drawers and cupboards. 

“At midnight we shall rise up from our earthbound existence and, pausing only to rescue our fellows stuck in trees, spiral into the heavens. 

“Farewell. We love you all, apart from those of you who used us for sexual gratification.”

The departure leaves England facing a bag crisis after paper bags died out in the 1970s apart from the rare breeds used for high-end shopping. 

The country now has no choice but to use paid-for plastic bags, despite the knowledge that they will one day use the 5ps they are hoarding to bring about humanity’s downfall.