Libra (23 SEP-23 OCT)
Tomorrow you’re kicked out of your Buddhism group for suggesting Siddartha sounds like two characters from a Carry On film.
Scorpio (24 OCT-21 NOV)
After trying to work out what’s different about your work colleague – hair? clothes? – you remember they had that tragic accident and this is their replacement.
Sagittarius (22 NOV-21 DEC)
This week you will suggest we should all be a bit nicer to each other and maybe build some houses for people and everyone in Buckinghamshire will wish you were dead.
Capricorn (22 DEC-19 JAN)
You’ve had many reasons to mourn losing your hearing – your wife saying ‘I do’ at your wedding, your baby’s first words, the patter of rain against the windowpane – but news that Kula Shaker are reforming make it seem somehow not so bad.
Aquarius (20 JAN-19 FEB)
As an Aquarius, you’re meant to be a visionary, progressive soul who spends time thinking about how to make the world better. As you’re not, the Zodiacal Compliance Authority will be visiting you with their electrodes to do some corrective work.
Pisces (20 FEB-20 MAR)
DNA tests show the boy you have been raising as your son is a blend of Aries and Virgo but carries no Pisces genes, meaning he cannot be yours. You can’t argue with science.
Aries (21 MAR-19 APRIL)
Like Mariah Carey you are an Aries, and like Mariah Carey you are in the middle of a 26-show residency at Caesar’s Palace in Las Vegas because that’s how this works.
Taurus (20 APRIL20 MAY)
The Royal Astronomical Society promises to look into your complaint that they always schedule big events like the super blood moon in the middle of the night.
Gemini (21 MAY-20 JUN)
You’ve already completed your Christmas shopping, as a tin of turkey-flavoured cat food doesn’t take long to buy.
Cancer (21 JUN-22 JUL)
On Saturday you win Best in Show at an agricultural fair, which at least explains why farmers have been eyeing you so lasciviously.
Leo (23 JUL-22 AUG)
“Build a better mousetrap, and the world will beat a path to your door,” Ralph Waldo Emerson said, to which you would add that the world will turn back once it sees how many dead mice it would have to wade through to ring the doorbell.
Virgo (23 AUG-22 SEP)
The terrible paradox of your life is that you hate to sleep alone, but everyone else hates your Tony the Tiger pyjamas.