Everyone in hot desking office sits in same place every day

EMPLOYEES have responded to an innovative office hot desking policy by developing fierce territorial instincts.

LMG’s London head office introduced the system to increase collaborative working but instead created a type of cold war.

Carolyn Ryan of HR said: “These are HR desks. There may not be any sign that these are HR desks, and at introductory briefings given by HR we may vehemently deny there is any such thing, but they fucking are.

“I need to be with my HR girls. We have HR stuff to discuss, like which executive has the most sexual harassment charges against them.

“I spend 30 minutes every morning setting up all my personal stuff like framed photos, but it’s worth it to stop bottom feeders from regional offices thinking they can have my place.”

Marketing manager Joseph Turner agreed: “One of us remains standing all day like a meerkat, to spot any approaching predators with designs on our window desks.

“If anyone gets too close, we hiss and puff ourselves out menacingly before questioning them aggressively about the company’s brand values.”

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Gay actors ‘damage believability of ridiculous nonsense’

DISCOVERING an actor is gay can make the alien or superhero they are playing seem less realistic, it has been claimed.

After Matt Damon said being gay could harm actors’ careers, members of the public agreed they should stay in the closet to prevent them feeling uncomfortable about their favourite absurd characters.

Receptionist Nikki Hollis said: “Finding out Johnny Depp was gay would be as though Edward Scissorhands had been lying to me all these years, although obviously I have no problem accepting his massive hands made of scissors.

“So I think gay actors should keep it secret for the sake of their fans. Or they could only play obviously gay characters like C3PO or some sort of flying robot owl.”

Sales manager Roy Hobbs said: “If an actor’s gay I can’t really believe the love scenes. So Han Solo kissing Princess Leia while they’re hiding in the lair of a giant space worm in an asteroid field just wouldn’t be realistic.

“I’ve always thought it would be cool to go for a drink with Batman, but if Christian Bale was gay I’d have to go with a different superhero so we could talk about women. Probably Iron Man, or Captain America if he’s busy.”