Tests on Audi cars find they contain tossers

MOST Audi cars have a knobhead fitted in the driver’s seat, it has emerged.

Tests in the wake of recent emissions scandals found that most Audi vehicles contain at least one intolerable human, usually behind the steering wheel.

Professor Henry Brubaker of the Institute for Studies said: “There’s long been anecdotal evidence that these cars contain tossers.

“They’re not factory-fitted, rather they buy the cars and then drive them around. We were able to verify this by taking a random sample of Audi driver personalities.

“Of the Audi drivers we questioned, 98 per cent said they didn’t have time to answer any questions because they were late for a very important business meeting, usually about some sort of merger, that was to be followed by golf at a club that doesn’t let just anyone join.

“Jumped-up little shits.”

The findings have renewed calls for all Audi cars to be crushed, preferable with their owners watching.

However Professor Brubaker said: “If we forced them all off the road, how would they travel?

“Probably by train, talking loudly in the quiet carriage about shareholder meetings.”

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Dog don’t see nothing wrong with a little bump ’n grind

A TERRIER humping a stranger’s shin has described how his mind is telling him no but his body’s telling him yes.

Yorkshire terrier Tom Logan pounced on the visitor’s leg and grasped it with his surprisingly powerful forepaws.

He said: “I’ll love you like you need to be loved. No need to look no more, because I’ve opened up the door.

“You need someone like me, to make love to you constantly.

“Lady, spend the night.”

However, 38-year-old Roy Hobbs, the object of Logan’s affection, said: “Get the fuck off.”