Nuclear Holocaust Could Knock 30% Off House Prices

A GLOBAL nuclear war followed by a new dark age of terror and despair could further depress the UK housing market, according to the Halifax.

As North Korea continued its missile tests, a survey by Britain's biggest mortage lender found that 63% would be less likely to move home if the school catchment area was overrun with three-headed monkey-dogs or gangs of mounted cannibals.

A spokesman said: "Buyers would be more cautious in a post-holocaust market, particularly if going outside resulted in certain death.

"Over the medium term we predict that prices would drop by up to 30% as the blackened survivors run around in terror, bleeding from every orifice and the landscape is transformed into mile and after mile of charred, smouldering hell.

"However, there will be some great bargains for anyone with a few iodine pills, a radiation suit and a flamethrower. So it's not all doom and gloom."

Tom Logan, deputy director of the Association of Mortgage Lenders, inisted there would almost certainly be opportunities for young, professional couples who were not coughing up too much blood.

He added: "Getting on the housing ladder could be as simple as heaving the former occupants onto the ever-growing pile of burning corpses in the street.

"And, best of all, you won't even have to check if they're still alive as the police and Crown Prosecution Service will, at the very least, be chronically short-staffed."

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Fat People Eating Shitloads Of Soup

AS new research revealed that eating soup could help with weight loss, greedy, fat people across Britain have set about devouring shitloads of the stuff.

Soup companies say they are struggling to cope with demand, while fast food outlets are to provide extension cables so their wider customers have somewhere to plug in their hand blenders.

Bill McKay, 18 stone, from Doncaster, said: “I take two pepperoni pizzas, feed them into a garden shredder and then shovel the resulting pulp into a pot of hot beef stock.

“I find it goes very well with a slice of wholemeal bread, plus another eight slices of wholemeal bread, plus some butter, some more butter and some very thick slices of pork. And a chocolate eclair.”

Julian Cook, a 22 stone gourmand from Finsbury Park, said: “I heat two diverse but complementary fromages over a low flame for 20 minutes and then eat it very quickly with a spoon.

“Sometimes I’ll add a sprinkling of lardons, though admittedly that is more of a broth.”

He added: “And look at me now. I’ve lost almost four and a half ounces, though it has to be said, I did weigh myself when I wasn’t wearing my beret.”

Meanwhile Emma Bradford, 19 stone of unstoppable womanhood from Darlington, said: “I just dump a load of funsize Mars Bar into a soup bowl. It’s the same.”

But GP Dr Margaret Gerving was sceptical about the latest diet advice, adding: “How should I put this? Okay… big deep breath… here goes… EAT LESS FOOD AND DO MORE EXERCISE.

“Do not make me say it again, I am begging you.”