Opera is really poofy, say five year-olds

BRITAIN’S five year-olds have dismissed opera as a big gay thing full of benders.

In a survey of year one primary school pupils, 97 per cent said watching some fat old men and women singing was the gayest thing they could possibly think of.

Kyle McKay, five and a half from Bridlington, said: “Look at that fucking nonce, prancing like a fairy.

“Why don’t you go home and sing to your boyfriend, you chubby freak?”

Amy Bishop, from Doncaster, added: “I don’t want none of your poofy opera, all poofing about and being a big gay bender.

“When I hear opera all I can think of is a boy kissing another boy. It makes me want to puke up my Coco Chunks.”

And Jason Hobbs, from Darlington, said: “My mummy made me watch Billy Elliot on the telly. If he’s not a total bum gayer then I’ll eat my Walt Disney World Paris baseball cap with the big Mickey Mouse ears on it.”

Meanwhile gay activists have protested at having to be subjected to British children.

A spokesman for the campaign group OKGay said: “We are recommending that all gay performers withdraw their co-operation from pantomimes, theme parks and children’s television.

“It is both sad and shocking that in the 21st century Britain’s under 12s remain completely inappropriate.”


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Dr Julian Cook's science laboratory

LAST week many were unaware that the earth was narrowly missed by a sizeable asteroid.

Usually, when people find out there is a massive object hurtling towards them through space, they panic at the terrible inevitability of it all. But all they need to is remember the similar feelings they get when observing the trajectory of ice dancing mother-of-three, Kerry Katona.

The problem with asteroids and Ms Katona is that both can be elusive. Neither gives off its own light so if they’re not drawing attention to themselves by obscuring space, drooling onto Philip Schofield or snoozing while their mother commits sodomy with their fiancé in the same room, they just blend in with the background.

If Ms Katona is heading for a direct impact, we won’t know until she’s slamming into us from out of nowhere at 40,000mph- a fact both the dinosaurs and the managing director of Iceland know only too well. So what can be done?

 If we were in Hollywood and a monstrous hunk of featureless space dross was barrelling towards us at breakneck speed, we’d deal with her the American way and launch a nuclear weapon straight into her face. But the outcome may not be as satisfying as you’d think – it would depend on Ms Katona’s consistency on the day, whether it is solid iron like a branflake or icy dirt and frozen carbon monoxide like her favourite 75 piece Indian platter.  Furthermore, the weapon may pass right through her gravelly interior without really registering.

There are other, more humane ways to deal with the threat. Any self respecting asteroid or bipolar jungle celebrity knows that the best thing to do if you’re heading for a collision is employ a specialised team of robotic helpers to get you on a different track. For Katona and asteroids alike, size is always going to be an issue and shedding pounds is a sure way to avoid a catastrophic crash. But which method to choose? One way would be to have her robots follow her around, holding up huge mirrors. Powerful solar rays would fire into her eyes, causing her to vomit out unwanted materials.  The resulting weight loss would subtly alter her course and we’d all breathe a sigh of relief.   

While for many years now it has not been advisable for celebrities to black up, it could well be the only solution for both Ms Katona and earthbound asteroids. An intrepid team would paint the face, midriff, labial regions and other parts normally exposed to the sun, causing increased heat absorption on one side of her body and thus steering her from doom once again. The asteroid would be home and dry after this stunt, but Ms Katona would be well advised to call up her old friend Max Clifford to deal with the inevitable fallout from justifiably outraged minority groups.