Parents threaten children with Eddie Mair

PARENTS have told children who misbehave that they will have to answer to Eddie Mair.

Mothers and fathers across the UK have backed up their threat by showing their children a video of the BBC interviewer grabbing a big blond clown and kicking the shit out of it.

Tom Logan, a father of two from Peterborough, said: “Finally I have the weapon I need.”

Logan’s seven year-old son Peter said: “I dreamt that Eddie Mair was looming over me, his big face filling my entire field of vision.

“He stared coldly into my eyes and just said ‘you, Peter Logan, are a fucking liar’.

“He then listed 14 lies I had told in the last week. I asked him how he could possibly know and he smirked and said ‘we’ve made a little documentary about you Peter’.

“At that point I woke up because I had pissed myself.”

Logan’s five year-old daughter Maisie added: “Did you know that broccoli can significantly reduce the risk of cancer and does not taste like big green turds?

“It is absolutely not in my interest to lock horns with Eddie Mair.”

Sign up now to get
The Daily Mash
free Headlines email – every weekday

Duchess of Cambridge ‘usually mashed’

THE Duchess of Cambridge gets through tedious public engagements with a cocktail of illegal drugs, it has emerged.

She admitted that the only way to appear interested at primary school openings was by being in an altered state of consciousness.

The Duchess said: “I’ll usually do a small amount of liquid LSD before leaving the house. That gives me the trippy ‘background buzz’ I like and makes poseys look amazing.

“Normally I ‘top up’ with several grammes of coke so I literally can’t stop smiling, even if someone’s explaining a new automated signaling system in mind-numbing detail.

“If it’s more of a ‘meet the public’ event I’ll munch some Es because you get this massive love for complete strangers telling you about their boring jobs.

“And finally a big skunk chonger in the back of the armoured car makes even the most gruesome buffet lunch seem appetising.”

Royal biographer Donna Sheridan said: “Vocational drug use by the Royal family is actually quite common. When the Queen looks deeply attentive at boring military parades, that’s because she’s eaten peyote.”