Parents to break Michael Gove

PARENTS across Britain are to capture Michael Gove in a big net and then beat him with a sock full of pennies.

As the education secretary called on parents to keep schools open during Thursday’s cheerfully pointless strike, millions of people stressed that if he says it again they will break his collar bone and throw him in a pond.

Tom Logan, a father from Stevenage, said: “Obviously I am desperately keen to spend the entire day locked-up in a giant, 1970s toilet trying to out-swear my horrid little fucker and 30 of his dead-eyed cohorts.

“As things stand all I have to do on Thursday is pretend to care where he is while secretly hoping he takes this opportunity to run off and join a commune in Wales.

“Gove needs to stay the hell out of my business.”

Teaching unions have vowed to press ahead with the strike action insisting the government has no right to make their lives only four times better than yours instead of five.

A spokesman for the Association of Teachers and Lecturers said: “Like doctors, it is vital that we remain comparatively fantastic for a long list of reasons which you simply would not understand.

“But unfortunately it does seem that people in this country have forgotten the difference between outright ownership of a tastefully renovated Tuscan farm cottage and some ghastly, third rate timeshare with a ‘communal pool’ and an ‘on-site restaurant’.”

He added: “We have received messages of support from across British society, many of them wrapped thoughtfully around a brick or smeared with something pungent.

“Some of them may even have been spelled correctly. Who knows?”


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Olympics criticised for not immediately fulfilling pointless desires

ORGANISERS of the London Olympics have apologised for not simultaneously saying yes to every single person in the world.

As thousands of people who cannot name more than three athletics events did not get tickets for a sport they could not identify with a series of flashcards, Lord Coe was forced to justify the decision not to build a stadium that was the same size as the Earth.

Carlisle sport consumer Wayne Hayes said: “I want to watch the high jump for three minutes – the female one, mind you – and then have my own personal toilet for 10 minutes before I’m led to the gymnastics as Balinese women toss petals at my feet.

“It’s not as if I’m asking for a perspex enclosure underneath the women’s beach volleyball court. Although now I’ve just invented that, I insist they build it immediately. And if they don’t then it will be an organisational disaster.”

Many missed out on tickets as the computer system designed for the application process was modelled on Britain’s usual level of interest in athletics, which, according to statisticians, usually potters about the ‘fuck all’ mark.

There was also frustration with the application procedure itself, which involved answering a series of increasingly-difficult cryptic crossword clues in a variety of languages including Serbo-Croat and Eastern Canadian Inuktitut before extemporising a 32-line beat poem on the sport of their choice.

Lord Coe insisted: “This has not been the kind of disaster you’d expect from a country that gave you Wembley Stadium and an organisation headed by a Tory given a peerage because Steve Ovett is basically a communist.

“We will be releasing a million tickets some time next year, when it finally dawns on the current crop of successful applicants that they’ve shat away the price of a foreign holiday to watch some obsessive nobody fuck about in a canoe.”