Peak peak reached

THE world is on the cusp of peak exhaustion after hitting peaks in every possible field.

The simultaneous achievement of peak beard, peak box-set, peak 90s reunion nostalgia tour, peak gourmet burger and peak superhero film means that it is downhill from here.

Trend analyst Dr Helen Archer said: “In a very real sense, we have peaked too soon.

“Beginning in the 1970s with predictions of peak oil, the assigning of peaks has steadily built to a peak at the peak of which all things have been arbitrarily given a peak of their own.

“As rail commuters know, off-peak is only half as good which is why it’s cheap, but that’s all we have to look forward to.

“From now on it’s steady decline until we reach trough beard, trough EDM, trough UKIP and trough Helen Flanagan in a bra.”

The crisis is thought to be the most serious since the tipping point tipping point of the early 00s, which was only ended by a perfect storm of perfect storms.

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Chilcot Inquiry to cut Bush-Blair pillow talk

THE inquiry into the Iraq war will leave out parts of the transcript where Tony Blair and George W Bush were exchanging bedroom intimacies.

Sir John Chilcot’s decision to omit pet names, coital exclamations and discussions about what position to try next time has been criticised by campaigners.

Tom Booker of the Stop the War Coalition said: “We’re told that these are ‘sweet nothings,’ murmured words of devotion and cries in the heat of passion.

“But how do we know that Bush didn’t say ‘This baby’s the only real weapon of mass destruction in this whole deal,’ or that Blair didn’t reply ‘Use me, use me like I’ll use the ill-won consent of Parliament’?”

A spokesman for the former Prime Minister said: “There are parts of the transcripts that, for security reasons and to ease the pain of a broken heart, should not be put in the public domain.

“After sex Bush usually liked to talk about Kennedy’s real assassin, what’s stored at Area 51, the US’s teleportation technology that’s being kept from the public and the hollow earth.

“Nobody needs to know anything about all that.”