Cameron eats bacon roll with knife and fork

DAVID Cameron has used cutlery to slice a bacon roll into fine slivers.

The prime minister is the latest politician to use the consumption of bacon in a bap to demonstrate empathy with the proletariat.

Cafe worker Tom Logan said: “He brought his own silverware, wrapped in a cloth napkin stamped with his family’s crest.

“He cut the bacon roll into thin strips, swallowing each one whole as if to avoid triggering his gag reflex. It was the creepiest thing I have ever seen.

“Then he bent double, dry heaved and said ‘Give us a cuppa over here, me old mucker, cor blimey’.”

Last week Ed Miliband blamed ‘excessive slipperiness’ after he tried to eat a bacon roll by putting it in his ear.

Meanwhile Nick Clegg has eaten a bacon bap by gripping it in his feeble, broken man’s fingers and taking weak, exhausted little nibbles.

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Teenage car owner demanding grossly inflated petrol money

17-YEAR-OLD driver Tom Logan is demanding petrol money from friends that is disproportionate to his actual fuel costs.

Logan, who was given a 2001 Renault Clio by his parents, charged three fellow students £2 to go from college to Tesco Express and back, a journey of no more than a mile.

His friend Stephen Malley said: “As I’m not a driver I thought maybe petrol was just really, really expensive. Turned out he was just taking the total piss.

“I had to pay it though, if you get labelled as someone who doesn’t cough up petrol money then you can’t get lifts to parties and you might as well be dead.”

Emma Bradford, who does Geography A Level with Logan, said: “What’s really annoying is that his parents bought him the car, he didn’t save up any of his own money, and now he’s using it as a cash cow.

“One time he even had four in the back and a particularly small girl in the boot, all paying £4 each to go to someone’s house.

“You can tell he’ll be a right bastard as an adult.”

However Logan said: “It’s called ‘petrol money’ but really it’s an inclusive fee that covers all running costs such as road tax, MOT and tyres.

“If people they don’t like it they can fuck off, there’s always plenty of fifth-formers needing to get to the only pub in town that accepts fake ID.”