Google cars only go to Wikipedia

THE new self-driving cars pioneered by Google just go straight to Wikipedia, according to testers.

The cars, which are capable of driving themselves without human intervention, are brilliant at going straight from Google’s base in Mountain View, California to Wikipedia’s base in San Francisco but terrible at going anywhere else.

Tester Susan Traherne said: “Ask them what the Boxer Rebellion was, which is the most powerful Pokémon or who invented the Spinning Jenny, and they’re straight to the crowdsourced answer.

“Anything harder, like why love fades or the best way to fold shirts, and they panic and spin around in circles until you click I’m Feeling Lucky.

“Which generally takes you to YouTube.”

The cars, which have smiling faces and therefore probably won’t run you over deliberately, can theoretically go anywhere but in practice stick to the same few locations on America’s West coast.

A Google spokesman said: “From IMDB in Seattle to Facebook in Menlo Park to eBay in San Jose, these little cars can take you anywhere that matters while you take a nap in the back.

“It’s true that they don’t really like to leave California, but who does?

“And their ability to navigate the San Fernando valley, coincidentally where 90 per cent of the world’s pornography is produced, is second to none.

“Just make sure you don’t Google Google, because’s there’s a minor design flaw that causes the cars to vibrate until they implode.”

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Millions of Cable supporters gather in London

HUGE crowds demanding the resignation of Nick Clegg have gathered in London for demonstrations being called the ‘English Spring’.

People of all ages, religions and ethnicities have pledged to hold their vigil until the despised Clegg is replaced by people’s hero Vince Cable.

Giant banners with Cable’s image and the slogan “A Golden Future For All Mankind” have been draped over buildings, and demonstrators are burning effigies of Clegg while chanting “Stand down or risk irrelevancy!”

17-year-old Joanna Kramer said: “All my life I have known only one Liberal Democrat leader.

“My parents have told me of the old days of Paddy Ashdown and Charles Kennedy. I am too young to remember them, or maybe they were too dull to recall.

“We want nothing less than total revolution and the only person who can bring that is our saviour Cable.”

Hundreds of protestors have reportedly been arrested by Clegg’s secret police and riots have raged throughout the capital as neighbouring countries look on, fearful of the domino effect if Clegg is toppled.

However, Clegg did not get to the top without ruthless cunning and has come back strongly by eating a bacon sandwich on LBC.

Kramer said: “The revolution is over. All over. A generation’s dreams are dead.”