World Cup still hasn’t started

FOOTBALL fans have been left confused and angry after it was revealed that Brazil 2014 has still not begun.

World Cup organizers have been forced to admit that the tournament is still two whole weeks away, despite no football having taken place for an unprecedented five days.

Tom Logan, 26, said: “I’ve been enjoying the blanket coverage over the past seven months, so this morning I thought I’d just check who was winning so far. Turns out most of the teams haven’t even got to Brazil yet.

“I’ve got my wallchart and I’ve collected loads of stickers, so what the hell’s going on?”

Football journalist Stephen Malley said: “This week we’ve done the top ten World Cup moustaches, an interview with a Phil Jagielka lookalike, and the home addresses and telephone numbers of every referee.

“What are we going to talk about for the next fortnight? Cricket?”

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Enjoy it while you can, Conchita warns Farage

EUROVISION winner Conchita has advised Nigel Farage to make the most of his fleeting moment of glory.

Farage told the main parties that he would “see them in Westminster” next year but the Austrian singer warned him that he would probably have to go to the public gallery to do that.

Conchita said: “I thought winning the Eurovision contest would make me a superstar. But even though it was only three weeks ago, today I can walk down the street in the dress, beard and everything and no one even recognises me.

“It’ll be the same for Nigel and UKIP. People only vote in Eurovision or the European elections for a laugh.

“He’s no more chance of getting to Westminster than I have of outselling Lady Gaga.

“Come 2015, while I’m playing in Batley down the bill from Nookie Bear, he’ll be in the back room of some King’s Lynn pub ranting to his last 20 followers about how Britain needs to widen the English Channel by 75 miles.”