iPhone ransom hackers bought by Apple

APPLE has paid £156m for the start-up that hacks into iPhones and demands a fee to unlock them.

The fledgling hacking business’s innovation of charging people who’ve already paid £600 for their phone more money just to use it will become a feature of the iPhone 6.

A spokesman for Apple said: “We get a cut from every song on iTunes and every app in the App Store, so the idea of anyone extorting money from iPhone and iPad owners without us seeing a penny is outrageous.

“The service will be closed temporarily while we make the design all white and special, then will be relaunched called Apple Access or something with a £100 initial charge and regular £25 top-ups.”

The move follows Apple’s recent £600,000 purchase of a South London criminal gang specialising in the theft and resale of their products.

Apple user Joanna Kramer said: “I remember when being defrauded online meant a tedious chain of emails to a Nigerian scammer.

“But, with Apple’s focus on the user experience, now all I have to do is tap the screen a few times and the money’s gone. It’s so intuitive.”

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Should I get a swastika tattooed on my face?


Dear Holly,

I’m supposed to be the biggest badass in One Direction, but now everyone thinks Louis and Zayn are the bollocks just because they smoked what the newspapers are calling ‘a roll-up blunt cigarette joint’. I was thinking of having a swastika tattooed on my face just to remind everyone that I am far more hardcore than those other four middle-class pansies. What do you think?

Harry Styles
1D Tour Bus

Dear Harry,

When I grow up I’m going to be a rebel. I’ll do bad stuff like give the finger to lollipop ladies and do massive burps at the dinner table and leave supermarket trolleys in the wrong place. My dad does all these things and he’s really naughty. He even once called my granny a ‘satanic bitch’ behind her back. She didn’t hear him though so I helped him out by shouting it for him really loud so that everyone in the post office could hear.

Hope that helps,