People without tattoos labelled 'freaks' and 'attention seekers'

THE three percent of the UK population without tattoos faces discrimination in job interviews and social situations.

According to the Institute for Studies, non-tattooed people are likely to be labelled ‘freaks’, ‘perverts’ or ‘attention-seeking non conformists’.

Engineering company boss Tom Booker said: “Like everyone these days I have various bits of body art covering my arms and back.

“If someone comes to me for a job and they’re not inked in at least three places, I have to ask myself some questions.

“Do they think they’re somehow ‘special’? Are they into weird music and alternative lifestyle choices? Also, are they going to upset any potential clients who visit to see non-tattooed people in positions of responsibility?”

24-year-old Emma Bradford said: “I don’t regret not getting any tattoos but it can make it hard to fit into the mainstream. I try to cover up my arms for job interviews so that employers can’t see I don’t have pictures of cartoon animals saying ‘Fuck’ or Chinese proverbs on them.

“But if I’m asked about tattoos I have to come clean and say I don’t even have a tramp stamp.”

Bar owner Nikki Hollis said: “Would I employ someone without tats? Yes, but I’d keep them away from the general public, maybe washing up or something.”

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Cameron gives UK £250 million to spend in the pub

THE government is putting £250 million behind pub bars because life in the UK has become so unbearable.

David Cameron said: “That’s roughly a grand and a half per pub to help ordinary people drown their sorrows.

“What we don’t want is a small number of people getting really fucked, so please everyone get down the pub tonight before the hardcore pissheads have used up this ‘national tab’.

“You’ll have to buy your own crisps though, we’re not made of money.”