Picky bastards making vague claims to have OCD

FUSSY, demanding people are hinting that they have mild OCD as a means of justifying their behaviour.

Researchers found that 81 per cent of difficult people used vague claims of obsessive compulsive disorder to make themselves seem more likeable.

31-year-old Nikki Hollis said: “After screaming at guests to take off their shoes I get embarrassed and wheel out the old ‘sorry, I’m a bit OCD’.

“I don’t even know what obsessive compulsive disorder is. Also I’m not sure if you can have it mildly but the word ‘obsessive’ would suggest not.

“Truthfully I am just a slightly controlling person who is way too into her new carpet.”

Professor Henry Brubaker of the Institute for Studies said: “OCD is a serious psychological condition that can dominate a person’s life.

“Just being an arse because somebody used your favourite towel is a totally different thing.”

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World hits snooze on Doomsday Clock again

THE world has greeted news that the Doomsday Clock stands at three minutes to midnight by reaching sleepily out and pressing the button that shuts it up.

The symbolic clock, which shows how close the human race is to Armageddon, has been completely ignored by a slumbering world population since scientists introduced it in 1947.

Joanna Kramer of Norwich said: “It’s always like beep beep beep, time to get up, humanity is about to render the earth uninhabitable for millennia to come just when you’re in the middle of a lovely dream.

“Three minutes is ages when you’re dozing. Whenever I open my eyes it hasn’t moved on at all, unless I’m just imagining that I’m opening my eyes.

“These scientists probably set it five minutes fast. I’m sure I’ll wake up in plenty of time to put the brakes on global warming, defuse global tensions and still catch my bus.”

The clock is the closest it has been to midnight since 1987, the height of the Cold War, when a pillow was placed over it and the world’s population slept until six seconds before nuclear war.