Rough f**kers and posh wankers ready to unite in fury over GCSEs

ROUGH bastard parents and posh twat parents are preparing to join in aggrieved fury about the government ballsing up GCSEs. 

The mums and dads of scally little f**kers and superior little pricks are ready for a historic coming together across class boundaries to shout angrily at the government for failing their precious offspring.

Donna Sheridan, aged 37, said: “It’s a f**king load of shit that our Josh isn’t going to get the GCSEs he needs for his apprenticeship because of a f**king computer. That’s bollocks that is.

“He’s worked bloody hard at that school when he’s there and now they’re snatching his future away from him. I’m about ready to f**king riot.”

Eleanor Shaw, aged 49, said: “While I might take issue with Donna’s language, I’m entirely in agreement that if an algorithm denies Oliver his chance of getting into Cambridge, then violent action would be justified.

“I would be proud to stand beside Donna at the barricades. And though certainly she will be able to crack a few heads, I think she’d be impressed with my prowess with a Molotov cocktail.”

A Downing Street spokesman said: “This is clearly a looming disaster of epic proportions which will do untold damage. We plan to do nothing.”

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Man wearing vest trying to be cool about nude upper arms

A MAN wearing a vest is trying not to feel self-conscious about his upper-arm nudity.

Ryan Whittaker, aged 29, decided he could rock a sleeveless look in the ongoing heatwave but immediately found himself overcome with insecurity at the amount of flesh he had on display.

He said: “I’ve only made it as far as the Co-op but I feel like every pair of eyes is on me.

“Walking past the freezers feels so weird. When I catch my reflection I seem practically naked. It may be 34 degrees, but I’d do anything for a jacket right now.”

“And though I’ve stuck to a rigid lockdown exercise regime of two to three pull-ups per week, now I’m out in public that’s not sure that’s given me the ripped shoulders I’d thought.

“I’m less one of those Miami Beach muscle dudes than my dad at Camber Sands in the 70s. Or my Auntie Jean on a work night out.

“God, I’d kill for a T-shirt right now to cover my shame, but I can’t turn back now. I’m going to have to either brazen this out, or get a massive shoulder tattoo.”