'Russians hacked my course work,' claims A-Level student

AN A-level student has claimed his coursework has been hacked by Russians and turned into a paltry mess of ill thought out ideas.

Tom Logan handed in the remains of his work after a ‘Kremlin agent’ turned it into the incoherent ramblings of a person who may or may not have been high on skunk since last September.

Logan said: “Putin is undermining the self-esteem of a hard working British student like me. It’s very devious.

“But after what’s he’s done to my English essays I just haven’t got the confidence to fight a war against him.

“I’m not just stirring up cold war style Russian paranoia so we’re all geared up for World War III. Swear down, he’s totally deleted my Geography essay on oxbow lakes.”

Logan added: “Unfortunately my GCSEs were hacked too and I was given obviously fake results.

“Who knows what I would have got, but I’m cool if you want to round me down to three Bs.”

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Woman congratulates herself for thinking about donating blood

A WOMAN has praised herself after considering the possibility of donating blood.

Nikki Hollis saw an advert about giving blood while she was shopping online and briefly thought to herself that she should look into it sometime.

She said: “I was so overwhelmed by my kindness and goodness in that moment.

“I hate needles and blood and whatever kind of skanky medical shithole I bet you have to go to to give blood, so it really says a lot about my generous spirit.”

Hollis did not, however, click on the link to make an appointment.

Instead she spent several minutes daydreaming about what she would want a statue of her to look like.

She then immediately forgot about the idea of donating, and went back to browsing for trainers made by children.