Single People Who Don't Work Particularly Hard Demand Tax Cuts

HARD-working families are not the only ones who deserve tax cuts, according to single people who do barely enough to get by.

As chancellor Alistair Darling put the finishing touches to his pre-Budget report, millions of lazy underachievers insisted they would spend the money on X-Boxes and shit.

Tom Logan, a trainee solicitor on his first written warning, said: "As someone who doesn't really care about anything other than spending money, I'm the chancellor's most vivid wet dream.

"The last thing you want is to give the money to some sensible middle-class couple in their late thirties who are at their desks by half-eight and pay attention during meetings.

"All they'll do is pay down their overdrafts, put it in some child trust fund or buy pointless, VAT-free goods like baby food and romper suits.

"On the other hand if you give the cash to me, I'll buy booze, fags, a big telly and an emergency iPod.

"And then I'll take Friday afternoon off 'cause my gran's dead. Again."

Meanwhile the Conservatives have backed the chancellor's plan to give generous tax breaks to low income families who don't vote.

 

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Pound Fabulous

THE Pound is not just great, it's fabulous, the prime minister confirmed last night.

Gordon Brown said he could not understand why anyone would say the Pound had collapsed in value by around 30% in the last three months when that was obviously not the case.

He added: "According to this top secret report from MI5, a pound is now worth at least $47 while my network of spies has established beyond doubt that the Euro is simply a figment of your imagination."

The prime minister spoke out following shadow chancellor George Osborne's nervous breakdown and his outlandish claim that the Pound seems to be doing particularly badly at the moment.

Mr Brown added: "It saddens me when a young man such as Mr Osborne loses his mind and starts inventing fantasy exchange rates and fictional currencies.

"This is a time when politicians of all parties should be in agreement. With me. It is certainly not a time to go around pointing things out like some kind of homicidal maniac."

Meanwhile Mr Brown will today outline his latest plan to kick-start the British economy with a series of tax cuts funded by "starlight, sunbeams and happy, happy thoughts".

He will also unveil dozens of multi-billion pound infrastructure projects, including a state-of-the-art hospital for damaged fruit and a high-speed rail link to the undersea kingdom of Atlantis.