Six 1980s school experiences today's kids will miss out on

WITH Covid measures in place and namby-pamby ‘child protection’ laws, today’s kids are missing out on a character-building 1980s education. Here’s what they should be subjected to.

Doing PE in your Y-fronts

Forgot your PE kit? Time to do gym in your pants, strange as it sounds in these post-Savile times. Still, it was better than the nutter PE teacher deciding on a whim to do boxing, resulting in weaker 12-year-olds bursting into tears, which set them up nicely for another battering at lunchtime.

Watching f**king boring programmes on a TV on huge legs

In the 80s, primary schools had a TV on big legs which towered over the kids like a Tripod. Why this beast of a telly was needed was unclear, because you only ever watched cack BBC Schools programmes or ‘important’ events like the raising of the Mary Rose, which was just a bunch of planks with no hideously rotted corpses.

Frozen milk in winter 

This was not some sort of healthy contemporary slushie with fruit in, just full-fat milk that had frozen solid in the bottle. Any health benefits were probably cancelled out by always consuming it with a Kit Kat and a bag of Monster Munch or Space Raiders.

Weird practical lessons

Fancy making some ninja throwing stars or a dangerous knife? That’s what the unsupervised bits of Metalwork were for. In Woodwork you could learn how to craft a crude wooden box with dovetail joints. This took at least 20 man hours, making it an economically useless skill that hasn’t been needed since the Industrial Revolution. 

Bullying that would involve the police nowadays

If you’ve all just had BCG injections resulting in a large blister, why not grab a classmate’s arm and punch it violently until blood and pus are dripping everywhere? Or stuff glass fibre down someone’s back and rub it in? Strangely these (real) examples of brutality didn’t so much ‘build character’ as ‘make them cry’.

Watery tomato ‘quiche’

A staple of school canteens, this travesty of quiche was weirdly popular with pupils and teachers alike, possibly because it was less horrible than the other school dinner options in the pre-foodie 80s. The fact that it was dripping with lukewarm tomato juice also helped you swallow your incredibly dry chips without choking.

Five sci-fi dystopias Trump appears to be basing America on

AS Donald Trump becomes ever more unhinged, one possible explanation is that he’s secretly a big fan of nightmarish alternate realities. Could these be his inspiration?

V for Vendetta

A country, Britain in this case, turns into a fascist state in which the government deals only in propaganda and the police’s job is to ruthlessly keep the population down. The film even has a pandemic in the US. Surely a coincidence because Trump is far too thick to be into Alan Moore.

The Handmaid’s Tale

Trump’s record on women isn’t great, what with ‘grab them by the pussy’ and about a million other things. He’s also supported by Christian fundamentalists. If American women were enslaved by a religious regime it’s unlikely Trump would be that fussed, so long as a few of them were still allowed to be porn stars and beauty pageant contestants.

The Dead Zone

Not strictly a dystopia, but about a psychic who learns that a popular politician is in fact a megalomaniac who will start World War 3. Remember 2016 when loads of people said Trump would tone it down and be an okay president, but he turned out to be a total mentalist? Spooky.

The Man in the High Castle

Okay, this is full-on Nazis-rule-America stuff, but Trump has always equivocated about racists and neo-Nazis who support him. Also it’s easy to imagine the preening orange bastard enjoying being measured for his uniform, like Goering with a fake tan.

Idiocracy

Not exactly a subtle film but it predates Trump by a decade and features a terminally dumb population electing a government of utter morons. Definitely an influence on Trump, with his bleach cure for Covid. If he does catch it, the imbecile will probably brag “I got the virus and it is the best virus” before dropping dead.